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As weeks went by things got harder, food was harder to find which meant travelling further out. There were a few reckless deaths and there was an illness going round. Most people who'd got it died from the side affects and it'd be really hard. Glenn got seriously ill and it was a dark time for everyone but he was one out of five who survived. Things seemed harder and people were slowly giving up on fighting.

Me and daryl was closer, I'd go hunting with him and we'd have a laugh but everything was tiring now like it was too much effort to even turn in bed. Carl had convinced himself that he's a monster and he's as bad as the walkers. The group still loved each other but it was like the adrenaline which had kept us alive was now slowly killing us...

~~~

After a tiring morning I had to go on a run, we needed food, amo and definitely new clothing if we was lucky enough to actually find it. Carol hadn't come back from the run the day after Karen and David were anonymously murdered.

The fight to find supplies was physically and spiritually tiring. Killing a walker I'd picked up two cigarette packets which I was contemplating giving them to Daryl but back at the prison something held me back.

I sat alone behind a tower and decided to light one. I'd never been against smokers but I'd never really thought about smoking.

I lit the cigarette and put it to my lips. They were strong but it was good to taste something new.

It was dark outside and I watched as walkers groaned at the gates and then everything went silent. I felt like I was falling into a black hole, my chest hurt so much like I was chocking on my feelings. I wanted to run away and be alone, I felt alone. I stared at the cigarette and watched as the ashes blew to the ground and at that moment I rolled my shorts up and pressed the cigarette into my thigh. It hurt but it made me feel ever so alive. I pulled it off and as it cooled down I didn't want the feeling of being dead to come back so I pressed it into my leg as it started to burn out. My body was hurting but it was good, everything around me was blurry. I was alone but now I didn't feel like I was. I didn't want to re-visit the past but to feel I'd do anything to feel something again...

~~~

Merle had woke me up with a bowl of food. Everyone was happy, the morning had started of well. The guys had gotten food supplies which would last a week or possibly more, other supplies such as clothes but most importantly they'd found a load of unused weapons.

I sat up as Merle left. I jumped up and put on my jeans. My leg stung however I knew that I had to carry on as normal.

That annoying woman who'd came got pretty comfortable with Merle but had stupidly got herself killed. Merle wasn't too disappointed all her had to say is 'dumb bitch' when he found out.

I felt better due to the fact everyone was actually happy but I didn't feel like facing everyone. I was happy because we'd got what we needed but the fact I'd been sad for so long had left it's mark on me.

Daryl was smiling over at me so I smiled back for a short period of time and then cut him off. I didn't want to ruin peoples moods.

~~~

More days were passing and things were brighter than they used to be. There wasn't a real struggle finding stuff however this feeling hadn't left me. Everyone's struggling but I'd gone well past the struggling point, I was fading away slowly. My legs were covered in burns since the cigarettes were running out, fresh cuts appeared across my legs. I didn't even find it disgusting. I didn't think much to it they were just marks telling me that I'm still human.

Everything night I'd just about left another wound. Not all were harsh.

I got out a cigarette and lit it between my lips. A walker on the other side of the fence frustrated me so much just for standing their quietly; it didn't groan or move around.

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