Having her here almost doesn't feel real. I've played over what it would be like to touch her again in my head a thousand times but I never thought for one second I would be able to. Some people are awkward when they see their ex again, and some fight, but it feels like we haven't even spent time apart. Like our chemistry just comes natural. She brings her knees to her chest and hides half her face from me. She's nervous I can tell. I hate the fact that she's scared, maybe not of me, but of things that involve me.
"August 24th." I begin to read.
"That was the first day I saw you." She says. I nod and continue.
"It was my first day at my new school today. I like the rush of feeling like everyone's scared of me. No one else really has piercings or tattoos. Except Louis. He's fucking stupid though. Anyways I was walking down the hall, and I swear I saw the most beautiful girl. She's a little shorter than me, nice curves, pretty brown eyes and long brown hair. She didn't notice me until her friends started gasping and looking at me. She smiled at me. The first one to actually smile at me because she was trying to be nice and not because she wanted to throw herself at me. She seemed a bit scared, maybe even shocked." I chuckle, remembering her reaction.
"No way!" She smiles and grabs the book from my hands to justify it. She scoots a little closer and kicks her shoes to the floor. "She has a bit of an attitude though. After I walked right past her, I found out I have first class with her. She does not like me at all. But it only makes me want her. Even though I don't date I could definitely see a little relationship with her. I'll never admit it though." She finishes my entry. I snatch it back from her and she looks at me like she always used to. It's so damn beautiful. "Read me a recent one." She demands, but it comes out as more of a plea. I flip to the more recent entries and choose a good one.
"November 10th." I begin. This was just a couple days before we.. Well before we broke up. Her face falls, but she recovers quickly and gives me her full attention. "It's amazing to believe that my life has finally gotten on the right track. I feel as if this experienced has changed my whole perspective on life and well.. Love. Before her, I didn't really care about much. I was too selfish to care about anyone else's feelings. Maybe I am a little selfish now, but that's only when it comes to thought of losing her. From the moment I saw her, to just dropping her off at home, I've been completely selfish about her being with another man. The things she does to me.. She's one of the strongest people I've ever met. After everything that's happened between us, she was never the one to give up. She might think she is, but if she could see herself through my eyes, she'll never believe it again. After everything she's been through, she's sticks her head up high and fights through the day. All I want to do is protect her and make her feel like she belongs here. She'll never understand how my mind works, and I may never understand either, but not one thought runs through it with out her face somewhere in it too. And she'll never believe I love her 100% of the time, but that's okay because I don't. I love her 90% of the time and the other 10% I take in as much love from her as I can. I don't think loves ever been this strong. She's changed me, or at least motivated me to change myself, but I don't for one second think that's a bad thing. I'm not sure I ever will. This delighted feeling is 10 times better than the old darkened feelings I felt a couple months ago." I take a breif second to look at her, she's playing with her hands and looking down. "I never thought that I could love someone, not the way they want to be loved. But she's okay with the way I love her because she knows I really do love her for her. And I'm okay with it too. People are always saying that love is a big strong word and they're right, it is. But it's not as nearly as big and strong as proving it is. That's what she's done this whole time. Just proving that she cares about me, and that's all I really longed to feel, but I guess I got lucky when she fell in love with me too. Sometimes, I wish I can see what's on her mind." I finish my entry an look at her.
"You mean all of that?" She asks slowly.
"Every word." I confirm. She smiles slightly and lays down. She rests her head in my lap looks up at me.
"I mean all of the things I write too." She says.
"Oh, really?" I smirk at here. She just nods her head as I take her hand in mine in habit.
To my surprise, she doesn't pull away or anything. She just holds it tighter and places the outside of my hand to her lips, kissing gently. She closes her eyes and savors the moment. Her facial expression lets me know that there's a lot on her mind, but her body actions tell me that she doesn't care, but mostly that she's afraid. Maybe of letting go, or maybe of losing me. But either way, I've been trying to feel this way again since I lost her, and I'm the luckiest man on earth that she's here in my arms right now as I wrap my arms around her and pull her as close to me as possible as I lay down with her.
"I've missed you." I close my eyes as I turn around and lay my head on his chest.
"I've missed you more." He says tightening his grip on me.
I know what I said. I know that I came here telling myself I was going to be strong and move on. I thought that it would be awkward and we would just exchange hand shakes and I would leave. I should've known better. Harry and I have never been that way. But when we actually started talking, it was like we've never stopped. I wanted to be done. At least I thought I did.
When I saw how hurt he was. When I looked in his eyes and saw the cracks behinds his eyes, I just wanted to take his hand and sew his wounds back together. It almost made my heart fall apart even more. It pulled me back to reality. The harsh reality of the fact that getting over him will never be easy. I knew that I still love him and I want to be the girl who fixes him up after he's fallen. And after seeing the way his eyes changed from complete confusion to leading the way reminded me of why I fell in love in the first place.
I open my eyes when Harry pushes hair from my face. He tucks it behind my ear and kisses my forehead. I wish that it could be like this every day. But our perfect moment is interrupted when my stomach makes noises. He chuckles.
"Hungry much?" He asks. I frown.
"Not exactly." I turn around.
"Have you not been eating?" He asks.
"What? No! That's crazy!" I stand up and pace. He stops me and lifts up my hoodie. I didn't notice how skinny I've gotten, I can see my ribs.
"What the fuck?" He asks me. My hoodie was the only reason he didn't notice while I was in his arms. "Why haven't you been eating?" He lifts up my sleeves and sees my scars. "Have you been trying.." He starts but I stop him.
"No! No.." I look down. He brings my eyes to his.
"Don't lie to me." He says sternly. My eyes fill with tears.
"A little." I admit. He takes me in his arms.
"What? Why? Why would you do that? Baby, why?" He sounds scared and hurt, but also lost and worried.
"I didn't want to live. I hated everything, and everybody but you, and you left." I cry into his shoulder.
"I didn't leave, love. I'm never going to leave. I'll stay here and be with you as long as you want." He promises.
"But I won't be.." I whisper.