day fifty

263 24 7


I know we haven't always got on, but for the last two years of my life you've been my hero. I wouldn't be here without you. 

You should love yourself. Trust me. This journal was supposed to show you how much you mean to me and i need you to know that you are amazing. Please never doubt yourself, never become like me. 

sometimes the only reason i was able to wake up was because of your smile. Your laugh and your voice and you. Just you. You are my world, Luke, you're the thing that's kept me breathing.

I want you to know, this isn't your fault. Don't feel bad i'm gone. I'm going to be happy, just like you wanted. And now you can be too, without me dragging you three down. Tell the boys i love them, tell mumma hemmings i love her. Tell the fans i love them. Just let them know it's for the best.

You've broken my heart into a thousand tiny pieces more than anyone has, not that anyone else has. But i don't care, feeling anything because of you is a dream come true. 

I wish you were here. I wish you were wrapped up beside me. I wish you were mine and you could call me yours. I wish i had the courage to show you how much you mean to me and how much i love you.

If i could erase myself from your memory i would. If i could resculpt your life so i was edited out of it i would. If i could destroy every time i've hurt you from your feelings i fucking would. But the thing is we're no longer pure and i'm no longer happy. I've learnt the hard way that sometimes you have to let go and life isn't for everyone. I know i'm creating more problems than i'm solving and this is the final and only solution.

Go out, party, feel, drink, cry, live. Be your own person and don't let anyone stop you. Remember those dreams and wishes we always used to make? Remember you said you would never tell me what they were. I know what they were because you used to say them out loud when you were drunk and we were sat on a roof at a party because we both hate parties, right? 

how you wanted to live and break the rules and be different and you wanted to feel and breathe. Do it Luke. Fucking do it.

Don't let my bruised and broken mind drag you down don't let anybody drag you down. Find out where it's fresh and new and you can breathe again. Because i can't do that with you Luke, i'm too far under, i'm in too much and i'm suffocating on the air you can use and it's just not working.

Nothing is working. 

So i'm leaving. Tonight. I'm going to leave you to breathe because you need that. And maybe when i'm gone you'll be able to breathe without me messing up the air around us. Maybe i've figured this all out.

Or maybe i'm just too drunk to know because i couldn't stand the pain. 

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being this pathetic worthless boy who wasted your time. Who killed a part of you. You're always so wise now, so grown up, Luke you're supposed to be young and happy, not dragged down by my problems. I made you grow up too fast and I'm sorry.

I love you. I fucking love you. I'm so in love with you i ache. You're in every part of me and i can't escape you. You're in my veins and my thoughts and you've never left me. Hopefully i'll leave you. I don't want to poison you like that.

I'm sorry. I love you. And i'm going. 

Goodbye Luke. Don't forget to breathe.

With every part of me that is still alive, not that i have been for a very long time, I love you. 

Michael x

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