I swallow hard as I watch the needle in my arms inject yet another foreign substances that will invade my body and make me throw up all that could possible be left in my stomach. Looking away I suck in my breath to try and bare the pain but I know the pain will never fully go away. It never does after all.
It had been three years now since I found out I had brain cancer. I have glioblastoma, a type of brain tumors that can grow rapidly. Not only do they grow rapidly they are also highly malignant. I had a false sense of hope this past year as treatment was going well for me with no new tumors. Then this last month I had an episode where I was rushed to hospital. I took a scan and it lit up like a Christmas tree. I was given a year to live without new treatment maybe more with treatment, they weren't sure.
I cringe as my nurse skillfully takes the needle out of me. Wrapping some gaze around my now numb arm she rubs the spot gently.
"How are you feeling lately Hun?" Dorthy asks with a smile. "I see a new tattoo?"
I nod showing my wrist, "It's a five tally mark for the boys' band."
Dorthy is by far my favorite nurse in the hospital; and I knew all the nurses here. This hospital had become my second home these past three years.
"And not as bad as I could be but I am just done with it all Dorthy." Putting my arm down I lean back on the not totally comfortable chair.
"Don't say that Honey, could be worse now." Dorthy says with a sad smile. We both knew that was true, death wasn't the worst thing coming for me.
Not sure how to answer I close my eyes. It had been about a month now since I found out I only had a year to live and I still hadn't felt the full affects that would come without treatment. It seemed to be biding it's time just like last time ruining any plans I had of leaving Sydney.
I was planning a few weeks with my four best friend who were currently in America playing shows, I still couldn't believe those idiots had gotten so far.
Michael, Luke, Ashton and Calum were the names that would forever be engraved into my heart. And now I guess many others as well. They were my only true friends and I don't know where I'd be without them.
When I first moved to Australia from The States with my mom when I was thirteen years old, I was utterly alone and scared out of my mind. I spoke English of course but the American terms and Australian terms didn't always match up.
I had about given up on making friends when I ran into Luke for the first time and knocked everything out of our hands. He just laughed it off and helped me pick up my books as I said about a million sorrys. After that Luke introduced me to Calum who was just as warm and open with me. It turned out we were all in the same year and around the same age. We later met up with Michael who Luke wasn't all that fond of at first but me and Calum adored. I made them warm up to each other when I threw them in a room together and told them to get along or I would never speak them again, now they couldn't be closer. We all met Ashton when Micahel told us he found a drummer for the band they were starting.
I loved their band, I even helped Michael think of the stupid name 5 Seconds of Summer one day while we played video games at his house. I knew they were good even back when I listened to them practice in Michael's garage. I just never would have guessed how fast it all came to them or how much.
They had preformed with One Direction on their TMH tour, and are now playing their own sold out tour over in America. I was so proud of my boys. They were truly taking over the world and it brought tears to my eyes, even more now that I knew one day I wouldn't be here to see just how far they would go.
It felt even worse I never told them that I would go away one day, that one day they could wake up and I'd be gone. I never had the guts to tell them the truth about why I stayed inside some days. Or why I avoided them for a month after a surgey. Or why I had burning headaches that never really stopped.
Their moms knew just in case one day I was with them and something happened. They were also best friends with my mom. Just as close as I had become with the boys all our families just seemed to blend together as one big family.
The boys had offered me countless times to join them on their American tour or even their European tour which I had almost gone when I started to feel weak again and learned about my new tumors just a few weeks before they were leaving again.
So I denied my boys once more and said that if I went then who would keep up with our families?
They would be finishing their American tour soon and be back home so I didn't need to go.
I knew I would have to tell them sooner or later now that my options looked bleack and well, time was running out.
While still thinking this over I feel a nudge on my shoulder breaking my away from my thoughts. I peak one eye open to see a now worried face that looks older beyond her actually years,
"Hey baby, how you feeling? You still up for taking out Lauren and Harry today? I could call Anne.." My mom trails off as she takes my hands in hers.
"No I am fine, I told Ash I'd be taking them out today for him and I can't let him down." I say with a grunt as I force myself up from my chair.
"Are you sure Echo?" My mother asks once more as if hoping for a new answer. She wasn't getting it.
"Yeah, it wasn't chemo or any new trials mom. I'll be good for today plus I really miss them. Lauren has been bugging me for weeks I have too."
"Well once you start a new trial.." She looks at me with worry written over her features. I know she is worrying that I will indeed refuse any new trails, but I rather live out my last days drug free.
"We can talk about that later." I start to walk out of the room and then things start to flash out black, a coolness washes over me. I hear a scream as I come crashing to the ground.
[ unedited 4.05.15 ]
first, happy Easter weekend to everyone celebrating and to those who aren't I hope you have a good weekend.
second, this is one of my favorite stories that I have written and is close to my heart so I'm kinda nervous about editing it and changing it up a little...
third, I'm trying to edit this quickly and wanted to post this so everyone can see more about the story and what it entails.
fourth, I promise my hiatus is coming to a close soon. I'm just not myself and depressed and suicidal but writing helps me. so yeah.
all the love. H.