day twenty-nine

223 11 7

Everything reminds me of you. 

You came over today. With Ashton. You told me he had to see what i was like, but Ashton didn't know 'why. 

You came in and you wouldn't look at me. You didn't notice the bags under my eyes or my broken smile. I tried to smile but it's just so fucking hard. She was there. The girl that took you away from us. The girl that took you away from me.

You couldn't hide the shock on your face when you saw me. I don't think anybody could. I'm disgusting.

God i'm so disgusting.

I haven't eaten in a few days. I never want to eat again. I want to sit here and waste away. You know why?

Because of what you said. I can't forget those words. 

"Mike, can you just explain to us what's going on?" Ashton pleaded from the sofa where he was sat next to Luke. Michael stood across from them, leaning against the door frame.

"It's nothing, i'm fine." he mumbled, not making eye contact with the two boys.

"Michael, you tell me everything, i knew you were sad, but never like this, you got better man" Luke sighed, standing up and running his hand through his hair. 

"It doesn't matter" Michael muttered, his words barely audible.

"Yes it fucking does Mike. It's ruining this band, that's why it fucking matters." Luke spat, the anger showing in his voice.

There was a moments silence before Michael took in a deep breath. 

"That's why."

"what?" Luke questioned, not knowing the meaning of Michael's words.

"I said that's why. That's why i'm like this. I'm useless to this band, i don't fit in, i ruin it. I don't suit you guys, i'm nowhere near as attractive or funny or anything to you guys. I'm pathetic, i'm worthless, i'm nothing to you. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be a part of this. I ruin everything. And i'm never going to be good enough." 

"Don't tell me you've gone back to this again Michael" Luke groaned. Sarah rolled her eyes, stretching into the sofa.

"Forget it Luke. Get out, leave me alone and don't fucking bother" Michael mumbled, beginning to walk away.

"Fine. Fuck you Michael. Fuck trying so hard to help you, i've done it too many times before. You know what, if you're in that much pain why don't you do it. Why don't you do what you've always said you wanted to. Why don't you fucking kill yourself so we don't have to put up with you moping around being this pathetic sad little boy that can't looking after himself. I'm so done trying." 

Luke grabbed Sarah's hand and stormed out of the house. Ashton not knowing what to do, approached Michael and rested his arm on Michael's back, feeling the shaking boy. 

"Michael do you want me to.."

"just go Ash, please." Michael's voice was barely a whisper. He needed to be alone. He needed to be away from everyone.

Sometimes i wonder why i ever bothered. What happened to you? What happened to the Luke that would sit with me till 3am and make sure i was okay, the Luke i could tell everything to. 

Maybe it's time Luke. 

Maybe i should do what you told me to. 

Maybe it's time i fixed everything the only way i know how.

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