Unhappily Ever After by Naomi Elana Zener

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“Who ordered the Cobb salad, hold the ham?” the Beverly Hills Hotel Polo Lounge waiter asked.

“I did,” said Prince Charming. Prince Phillip of Sleeping Beauty fame shot him a quizzical look. “I’m watching my cholesterol.”

“House greens, no dressing?” the waiter inquired.

“That’s us,” Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum chimed in unison.

“We’re sharing. And, we’re watching our waistlines,” Tweedle-Dee added.

“Maybe if we lose some weight, we’ll get more screen time on Once Upon a Time in Wonderland,” Tweedle-Dum said.

“Um, it was canceled,” the waiter advised. Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum looked at him dumbfounded. “Time to get a new agent?”

The waiter scanned the long table making sure that everyone had received their respective orders. Cinderella had a Caesar salad. The Evil Queen, Snow White’s step-mother, had apple pie a la mode, which Snow White eyed suspiciously, while Snow White seemed to be enjoying her pasta Bolognese at the opposite end of the long table. Aladdin had his pasta primavera because the chef couldn’t assure him that the ground chuck was Hallal, while Rapunzel was slowly sipping her butternut squash soup, careful not to get her hair in it. Everyone else eyed the food with envy, unable to afford the Beverly Hills Hotel’s restaurant’s tony prices.

“Ok, everyone happy?” the waiter asked. He was grateful that he still had a few patrons to wait on given the hotel’s boycott. As a struggling actor, his rent was dependent on getting his tip money, which was in short supply of late.

Everyone nodded.

“I’ll be in the back studying my lines for an audition. So, if you need anything just flag down one of the other waiters.”

“How come he has an audition and I’m sitting here dumped by my agent?” Pocohontas whined. “After my sequel tanked, Disney dumped me like a hot potato. I can’t even get a walk-on on Once Upon a Time. No one returns my calls.”

“Well, I got killed off on that show, so I’m no better off than you,” Cinderella retorted. “I’m being told that if I want to leverage my prime time appearance, I need to undergo eye widening surgery to bring my looks more in line with those of Disney’s Frozen darlings, Anna and Elsa.”

“You’re able to afford to eat here with your ABC residual cheques, so tell your sob story to someone who cares,” Pocohontas shot back.

“Can you really blame the execs, though? Did you see Frozen’s box office numbers?” Snow White questioned.

“Oh, go stuff your face with a poisoned apple,” Cinderella spat. “It’s your fault I got kicked off Once Upon a Time in the first place. You stole my husband out from my storyline. It’s like my face never made an imprint in the celluloid.”

“Hey Cinder, they shoot that show digitally. Keep talking about celluloid and your career really will be dead,” Anastasia Tremaine, Cinderella’s step-sister advised.

“At least you made into prime time. No one’s seen or heard from us since my big fat foot failed to fit into your glass slipper,” Drizella Tremaine, Cinderella’s other step-sister added. “The only place we work is the dodgy end of Hollywood Boulevard at 3am with the other working girls.”

“We were even rejected from Dancing with the Stars. We’re royalty, all we know how to do is dance,” Anastasia moaned.

“Whatever! With gay rights getting all of the media’s attention, there’s more chance of a Cinderfella movie getting made by Disney than me ever seeing a sequel,” Cinderella cried.

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