I spent about a week in the hospital before they finally made me come home. I tried coming up with as many excuses as possible to make them keep me longer. To make them keep me away from the nightmare I was going to have to face as soon as I was released to go home.
I saw my moms red Ford expedition pull up to the front of the hospital as the nurse wheeled me out the front doors. I stood up opening the door sliding in the passengers seat. Fastening my seat belt, I leaned my head against the window and tried not to think of my best friend. I tried so hard not to think about the huge hole that was now in my heart. All the pain and tears I had cried the last week. I remember the nurses letting me get out of my bed to go see my best friend for the last time. I walked into the room and thought 'there's no way she's dead... She looks like she's sleeping... There's just no way!' But I knew deep down, no matter how hard I tried to deny it, I couldn't deny the fact that she wasn't breathing or how cold her body felt when I walked over and grabbed her hand bringing it to my cheek as tears started to fall. I laid my head down on her chest, not hearing a heartbeat as I starting bawling my eyes out begging God to bring her back. Begging him to take me instead of her. But it was no use. I had finally cried myself out letting the nurses take me back to my room. Before leaving, I kissed Tracy's cheek and told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was I couldn't save her... Even though I knew she couldn't hear me.
When we got home and I walked inside, I was suddenly engulfed in a hug by my brother who was crying his eyes out. He kept telling me over and over again how much he loved me and he was sorry for everything he ever did to hurt me. I just looked away, shrugging him off and walked to my room without saying a word. I laid down on my bed curling myself into a ball, letting myself go. I let all the anger and pain and memories just crumble away with my tears as they soaked into my sheets. I heard Izzy whining in her cage begging to be let out but I couldn't bring myself to stop crying. I couldn't bring myself to even look at her. She finally stopped whining and laid down never taking her eyes off of me.
I finally got the strength to get out of bed and take a shower. Turning the water all the way up, I stripped out of my bloody clothes and stepped in sighing as the hot water hit my aching body. I watched silently as the blood from my hair and arms washed down the drain. I stayed in the shower for about 30 minutes before I drug myself out. Going back to my room, I grabbed an old baggy tee shirt and sweatpants. Climbing into bed, pulling the covers over my head allowing my body to relax and take me into a deep sleep.