As I was combing through the words, wisdoms and teachings this short line enlightened me: Rebirth is needed.
And the most unusual part? You need to die first, voluntarily.
After the foggy days, you know, when the painkillers shred off, everything is sharper yet pale. Thinking back, there were days with daydream-fevers, that state, when everything has its place while you are in and makes completely no sense when you are looking back at it.
Which one is real?
When everything works despite struggles or when nothing seems to be working, feels cold, a bit cruel as you are unwanted, people are uninterested in you, yet, it is said that is reality, that is life.
And the sad part: you feel it is true somewhere.
And you are fighting against yourself, hiding this realization, escaping into mind palaces.
But each escaping is a failure.
You always need to be able to transform any unpleasant circumstances into a more ideal one, creating Heaven with your thoughts, words and actions.
It doesn't feel right and it is completely nonsense.
Still, the only way to create a better world if you make it. Nobody else will make it for you or to the people you care, love.
I have always been lack of bright sense when it came to take care of myself.
And now, it's like left out words waiting after anything I write or think, a predetermined ending.
So, my free will is among the boundaries I'd involuntarily made?
God couldn't have given me my destiny for sure, if I weren't anywhere near to become a co-creator in life!
There is this significant difference with ageing: awareness can be pre-occupied with mindless things and the numbness; the greatest fear of all: loosing me, myself and I. For sure, I am my own flesh, but I am more. Even if science lacks the equipments to measure, I do have a soul, I do have love in me.
I do have God in me.
At least, there is a place where He had temporary shelter to dwell, at least in a tiny part.
And I know, fatal sicknesses are not by Him, but it is scary and hard.
The what ifs are the scariest and the hardest.
I do lead a good life, I am a good person. Yet, I have so many mistakes, I have accidentally wronged others and I had to realize, somewhere I am also vain.
What if my failures...
Just get back to life, just get back to help others, especially if they don't know it, and gain back love to do more.
The foggy days are over.
The rest will be done, either way.