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I'm still in Jake's house. Sitting on the same couch I used to be on every day, having what I thought was an amazing time even though being in a relationship with him was a huge mistake. It ripped me apart mentally and emotionally. I hear the sound of a tea kettle whistling, and I know he'll be back in the room with me soon. I'll have to talk to him. Not so much have to, but he'll find his way around making me talk.
About a minute passed before Jake walked into the room again, two mugs in hand. He laid one on the table in front of me and stood before me, sipping from his mug. I can tell he wanted to say something but wasn't quite sure how to word it. He sighed and sat down, a little closer than I would've liked but I deal with it anyway.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you on the phone." Here we go again. He always does things that aren't okay then manages to apologize in a way that makes me forgive everything, even kg it seemed unforgivable. "I've had a really stressful week. And I really don't like you drinking. I care about you, you know that right? I'm not here to just yell at you for no reason. It's because I care." I feel his hand on my back and I get the feeling of ants in my skin again. It happens every time our skin touches, and I'm not sure why. I look down in my lap, refusing to make eye contact with Jacob. But he's not okay with that. He grabs my chin and makes my head look his direction. His eyes fill my body with a cold feeling. Something I haven't felt in years.
You want to kiss him. Stop holding back.
It doesn't matter what I want to do, it's a matter of what I should and shouldn't do. But his lips remind me of some sort of childhood nostalgia feeling. I miss them. The feeling i'd get when we kiss, it never meant anything to him but it meant the world to me. I probably look desperate right now. I probably look needy.
That's exactly what you are.
I move my hand to his wrist and grab tightly, moving his hand away from my face but keeping eye contact.
"Jacob I told you I'm done with you"
"That's not what your facial expressions are telling me. Marc we were together for quite a while I know the face you make when you want me."
"Leave me alone Jacob. Wanting you doesn't mean I'll act on it."
"You seem fairly certain about that."
My insides feel like they're being squeezed with unnatural strength.
"Can you not take a fucking hint, Jaco-" I can't even finish my sentence before he grabs my face again, kissing me to shut me up. I'm too tired of fighting it. I don't kiss back, but I don't resist.
He pulls away with some sort of a sly smile.
Why am I letting this happen?
I want to scream.
Taylor doesn't deserve somebody like me. He's so much better than me. I've pretty much cheated I'm..
Thoughts start pounding through my skull, inhumane thoughts I don't want going through my mind. I hate this. I hate Jacob. I hate being so alone I hate not having contact I hate myself I hate everything.
I grab the sides of Jacob's face and bring him closer, the kiss I gave him was rougher than I intended but he moves to where we're laying on the couch and he's on top of me.
I hate myself.
I regret every move I'm making but it feels like I can't stop.
I've been craving human contact for so long that when given the opportunity to feel it, my mind and body forced me into it.
I. Hate. Myself.
I hate this.
I am a mistake.

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