Until Proven Innocent

CHAPTER FOUR

BEFORE
Cordelia Waters
November 14, 2015

It happened today: I gave birth. Right on time, just as expected.

I woke up feeling normal, no pains or aches in my stomach. I ate breakfast and even went for a walk. Weston took the day off in advance, just in case. Well, it's a good thing he did. Around two o'clock I started experiencing sharp pains. Shortly after that, my water broke. I was standing in the kitchen, bending over in the fridge and reaching for the carton of milk when the water spilt onto the floor. Weston, who was sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper, jumped up and ran to me. He grabbed my overnight bag that was already packed in our bedroom, and off we went to the hospital.

When the contractions began, I thought I may die. Never in my life have I experienced something so excruciating. As though all of my organs were being ripped out from inside of me. I was screaming and crying, biting towels, clenching onto Weston's hand as hard as I could. Multiple times he had to let go and shake it out just so I didn't break it.

She finally arrived at 7:24 p.m., screaming and crying, much like I was after seven hours of labour. She was pink and slimy, an alien creature. The initial emotion that flooded my body was relief. Thank God that thing is out of me!

They informed me that she was a girl. The nurse wiped her off, wrapped her in a blanket, pink, obviously, and handed her to me. I didn't extend my arms in anticipation or excitement. They simply placed her tiny body into my arms, and I accepted her, as though I didn't really have a choice. I looked down at her face, her plump little face, and my initial thought was: newborns are not attractive at all, with their red skin and scrunched up, wrinkly faces. My next thought was: what the hell do we name her?

We decided on Emerald. Prior to her birth, Weston and I had compiled a list of baby names that we liked. We chose not to know the sex of the baby – wanted it to be a surprise. It sure was! We had two columns: boy's names and girl's names. After months of deciding on one name, then changing it to another, we had finally narrowed it down to four names. For a boy, we chose Christian (Weston's grandfather) and Isaac. For a girl, we chose Lillian (after my mother, Lily), and Emerald. After Weston held her for the first time, he looked at me, tears brimming in his eyes, and said, "She's our Emerald." And that was it. That was her name. He didn't ask me if Emerald was the right name. He just stated it, as though it was a predetermined fact. I didn't argue, though. I liked Emerald. We both did. So when he said Emerald, it just stuck. And that became her name.

I'm still lying in the hospital bed. The doctors told me to rest and get some sleep tonight. Emerald is in the room next door with the other babies. Weston keeps going to visit her. Then he comes back and tells me the most arbitrary things, like: She wiggled her toes! She latched onto my pinky finger! She opened her mouth and made a funny sound! I just smile and tell him to stay in there with her. He insists on switching back and forth to see the both of us.

At one point, he brings me a cup of orange juice and I tell him to go home and get some sleep since it's almost midnight. He insists on staying here with me, but I know he won't be able to sleep comfortably in the chair. Finally, he agrees, promising to be back in a couple of hours.

Sitting alone in the hospital room, I begin to wonder what it will be like for her, growing up with a fall birthday. My birthday is mid-summer, so I've always associated my coming of age with warm, sunny days and swimming pools. All my life, my mother hosted pool parties for my birthday. We'd invite all the kids from school and of course all the kids who lived on our street. She'd bake a vanilla cake and decorate it with rainbow frosting, which was my favourite. We'd splash around in the kitty pool, taking turns jumping in one at a time. That's all I remember, really. Sunshine and swimming pools. It's great having a summer birthday. Something to look forward to once school is over. Emerald will have a fall birthday. So close to the Christmas season. I hope her birthday isn't forgotten about. November fourteenth. What zodiac sign is that? Scorpio? I think it's Scorpio.

As I'm drifting off to sleep, my mind is filled with eagerness and exhaustion. It still feels surreal to me. The fact that I just gave birth to a human being. I created a life. Who would have thought? Me, a mother. I never thought I'd see the day. And I think that's why it feels so strange. Perhaps this is just one big dream, and tomorrow morning I'll wake up and tell Weston, and he'll laugh and say, You, pregnant? I don't think so.

But this is not a dream. And I'm not going to wake up laughing. This is real life. This is my reality now. I'm a mother. I am now responsible for the life of that little creature in the other room. And that scares the hell out of me.