Everyone was disappointed with me, except Mark and the staff. William said I was very brave to stick with my decisions up against a majority. I agreed with him. My mother was an absolute monster when she was angry with a person. It was impossible to even be in the same room as her after I broke up with Justin. It stung a little.
It was like she cared more about him than me. Like what I wanted didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I had disobeyed her wishes for me to date him, heaven forbid. Now I was a burden, a mistake, and a horrible child again. To give him credit, Mark defended me and even gave her stern looks right back for the way she was treating me.
That just seemed to make it worse though. He was taking my side over hers. We spent more days than before hiding in my den playing video games on his breaks and even though I knew it wasn't good for my state of mind... I loved every minute of it. I was falling for him, fast and hard now. It was like Justin saw me on the edge of the cliff and pushed me over.
He didn't mean to. I am sure. He just didn't know that I hadn't even realised my own feelings growing. He wasn't to blame for pointing out the deep chasm that I was teetering on and me losing my balance and falling in. I had been lying to myself the whole time. I just found him handsome. He was just so nice, obviously I liked him. He was my stepfather, of course I didn't like him like that.
There was no 'of course' about it. Sometimes your brain just doesn't listen to logic. Sometimes your body makes all these chemicals to fuck you up whether you like it or not. The whole world could tell me to like Justin, but my body didn't make the chemicals that made me crazy for him. They made them for someone the whole world told me was off-limits. It was a relief when Justin graduated and left the area.
It wasn't like I could do anything about my feelings. I could beat myself up about them, sure. It didn't help any though. I couldn't stop the dreams either. Ones where we would be playing video games, then win a round, only to turn to each other and make out like crazy in celebration. Or another where I would be in bed sleeping and he would come in to wish me goodnight... but slip under the covers instead.
They seemed to be getting worse and worse, although I never remembered actually having sex or anything in them they were regularly making me mess my sheets. I started wearing underwear to bed in an attempt to reduce the laundry. William's sympathetic looks were embarrassing. I was worried I was going to lose my mind.
In fact, I started to wonder if I had already lost it when I started having new dreams. These were dangerously sweet. One time I drifted off at my desk while doing homework. I dreamt he was there, stroking my hair gently and then trailing his finger tips down the back of my neck to make me shiver. When I woke up there wasn't anyone there.
Another time I fell asleep while we were playing video games. I dreamt I felt finger tips run along my lips, across my chin and down my neck. I woke up with a blanket wrapped around me and he was already long gone. Even my controllers and system were all shut down properly. I hadn't heard a thing. I must have been imagining things.
Right at this moment it just made me feel hyper-aware of him sitting next to me. I was back to my usual greatness at video games but I could probably tell you how many times he blinked in the last hour at the same time. I heard every sigh like a porno going in the room next to me. I had blue balls from how often I had to convince my brain to stop thinking like that.
"Did you really never kiss Justin?" The random question left his lips without his eyes leaving the screen. I barely glanced over before answering him.
"Never. He tried, but I did the head turn thing." I bit my lip as we came down a hill and attacked a group of aliens at the bottom. I heard him chuckle. I wasn't sure if it was because we were decimating them on the screen or because of what I said. There was a long silence where all you could hear was the sounds of gunfire and aliens dying.
"Why not?" Came the next random question. I blinked and looked over at him. He hissed and nodded to the screen frantically. I turned back to help him survive the next wave and thought about answering him. Why didn't I kiss him? Should I tell him the truth? It was really embarrassing. I gulped and glanced over at the next lull. He glanced over expectantly.
"I didn't want him to have my first." I muttered. I heard him suck in a breath and he paused the game so he could look over at me.
"You mean you are seventeen years old and you have never kissed anyone? How is that even possible?" He seemed so shocked that I blushed really hard.
"Well, nobody really liked me at the boarding school. Then those that did like me, then and now, well I didn't like them back. So I just keep avoiding it until I feel like it will be someone I like, and so they won't muck it up for me. You know?" I mumbled, feeling a bit foolish. It was hard to admit I was a romantic. Especially with a mother like mine.
"Yeah. I get it. When you like it, it's great." He seemed to look off into space for a second and un-paused the video game so we could keep playing. I sighed a breath of relief. Then I felt mischievous.
"So, if I haven't been kissed by the time I am twenty-five... will you do the honours?" I asked him without taking my eyes off the screen. I just about laughed when he turned to gape at me and died. I looked at him innocently, or as innocently as I could manage and watched him gulp a few times.
"I don't know... that's a lot of responsibility. What if I suck at it?" He tried getting around answering me. I just smiled and shook my head.
"Nope. I know you must be good at it, or else my mother would never have married you. So, will you? Pretty please?" I blinked my eyelashes at him and pouted. Oh god, I was worse than Deb. At least she hadn't picked a married man to flirt with. I was stabbing myself internally as I watched him war with himself.
"Twenty-five you said? Alright, I guess. We both know it won't take you that long to get your first kiss though. You are way too cute for that." He blushed a little and turned back to the game. He died way more often that night though. Way more often.
YOU ARE READING
My mother never could keep to one man. It wasn't like I went out of my way to fall in love. She was just blind, and he was just... perfect. It was impossible not to fall in love with my stepfather. The real question was... Did he love me?