435 38 10

over the next few days, nathan visits. it becomes a routine almost.

at ten, there'd be a knock on the door and lyle would drag himself out of bed and down the cruel amount of stairs to open it. nathan would be there, coffees in hand alongside a surprise breakfast. they'd eat, make small talk and watch some nature documentary together - while watching, lyle would try his best not to think of kai. around two, nathan would leave and lyle would be alone once more.

as much as he appreciates the company and support nathan provides, he does cherish these moments alone. he likes that nathan understands he needs both the distraction and time to think about it by himself.

nathan has just left and lyle is currently sat on the bathroom floor, fingernails tearing at fragile skin while his body is shaking for some unknown reason. despite nathan taking care of him as best he can, lyle never eats anything aside from what nathan brings in the mornings. the constant aching claws of hunger inside his stomach in a way give him distraction from his own suffering heart.

there's now blood, small beads pooled on pale skin where he's pressed too hard. lyle examines the small wounds on his forearms and sighs deeply, unbothered to do anything about it.

the bathroom tiles are freezing, he feels as if he's literally sitting on a block of ice. but he's too numb to notice, too far gone to care. lyle knows breakups are meant to be painful, but why is this one so fucking gut wrenching for him? maybe it's the shock to the system, maybe it's because he was (is) so in love, maybe it's because he thought kai would always be there, or maybe a mixture of infinite reasons.

his head hurts from all these thoughts constantly running through, his whole body aches, his heart is a puréed mess, his eyes have produced so many tears, they're dry, cheeks stiff from the masses of dried tears which coat them. never in his whole life has lyle felt so...


that's the perfect word for it. kai has destroyed him. first, he built lyle up, then together, they built a small universe and for a few blissful moments, they flourished. however kai has suddenly left and now everything has been thrown off balance. their once thriving universe now crumbling in lyle's hands as he tries to hold it together, but without kai it will soon be nothing but a broken memory.

and then his cheek is pressed against the tiles as his body crumples to the floor. he's too tired to get up and move himself to bed, he doesn't even want to go to that bed, that stupid fucking bed. instead, he sleeps right there, mind shutting down until he's literally just an empty shell, bathed in darkness.

there's no light in sight.


"lyle? lyle! lyle please wake up!"

"what the-?" lyle mumbles as he sits up with a start, hands still grasping and violently shaking his shoulders, "kai?"

"lyle," kai breathes, relief flooding him but only anger floods lyle.

he's tired, he just slept on a fucking bathroom floor and now here's kai, actually pretending to give a flying fuck about him. he's had enough, he needs to just let every emotion he's been repressing out.

"what?" lyle snarls, his voice dripping with venom, bitterness; he's never heard this voice before.

"i was so scared, i thought you'd-" kai stammers, leaning back and wiping a sleeve across his eyes.

lyle looks at him for a moment. kai looks slightly better, his eyes no longer bloodshot and frame no longer trembling, but it would just be an image. regardless, how dare he look so fucking okay.

"i'd what? died? sorry, no such luck for you. i'm still here."

kai looks taken aback.

"what'd you mean? lyle- i still care about you a lot, you know that. you're still my best friend, i-"

lyle breaks.

then launches all his hurt as a thousand bullets, all headed towards kai.

"i'm so sick of this kai, this bullshit about us being friends. i really can't take this right now, i need friends who care. you'd like to think you care, but we both know deep down, you don't really," lyle says, fighting to keep his voice steady as tears threaten to fall, "if you cared - if we were friends, you'd at least make sure i was okay before you left, like i did with you as soon as you fucking needed, or that you'd at least check up on me while you were away. but you did nothing you selfish prick!"

and then silence coats them both, lyle's words resonating in the air around them like poison;

and their universe disintegrates a little more.

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