usually, when people come back home from uni, they feel happy and relieved. no more exams. no more cheap food or ramen. no more stress. back to mom's loving arms and good food. that's not the case with me. my mother is the definition of emotional abuse. i dread going back home because of her actions. i'd rather stay in uni over the break away from her constant screaming. she's a bored woman. when she feels like she has nothing to do, she starts random fights. she forgets promises and arrangements that she made to me. she always has something to say about my appearance or actions. if anything, she's the reason i have a veil on my head. she vowed to disown me if i don't wear it. all in the name of God. when she's angry at me, she doesn't come talk to me. she shouts at me, neglects me, and curses me non stop. i have to beg for forgiveness. she even mocks my cries and tears. and this doesn't happen once or twice. it happens almost every day. maybe its her medicines or shes in a bad mood. but i have seen older moms, sicker moms, and moms with much more emotional baggage than she has. they never treat their children like this. now you can say "you never know what happens behind closed doors" but im sure not all of us feel constantly guilty even though we did nothing wrong. im sure not all of us feel neglected or unwanted even if we have the most loving partner who is constantly reassuring us that they love us and care for us. her moodiness and constant emotional manipulation have left me crippled. unsure if i really deserve all this pain or not. i have thought of suicide countless times thanks to her and her only. i vented to every single person i know, looking for an answer but they all tell me to ignore her or just try to make her happy. but how can i ignore her when shes constantly tormenting me. how can i make her happy if nothing is good enough for her. how can i ignore her if i cant do anything without her permission? mind you, even if her permission is granted. shell forget about she gave it and make a problem out of thin air. making me look like the rebellious devilish daughter. i feel crippled. stuck between pleasing my mother and just moving on. but how can i move on if i forcibly keep going back to her? im only here bc im tired and i cant post this on social media. its too desperate. i just had to let my feelings out. i can't focus, i can't live .. without always feeling like im doing something wrong. i cant have fun outside without thinking about the fight shell create the minute i step home. i cant come back at 10:31 when i promised 10;30 else ill be struck by a hurricane of insults, screams and more guilt tripping. i can't kill myself because i want to live. but not like this...
