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Holy Text of the Archussip

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Once upon a time was there nothing but emptiness, and Gourd, the great sky horse god, saw that it was boring.

Declaring it boring, Gourd took it upon Their defined self to create the sky and the dirt. Also stars and moons and dark matter. And Gourd saw that it was Highly Adequate.

Gourd declared that Highly Adequate would not suffice, however, for only Godly Adequate would suffice, and so They created plants and animals and fungal growths and bacteria and other microorganisms. And Gourd saw that it was Godly Adequate.

But then Gourd declared that even Godly Adequate would not suffice, and so They created Great Metal Flying Containers filled with intelligent creatures, because that sounded totally rad. And Gourd saw that it was Pretty Dang Radical, Dude.

Unfortunately, these intelligent creatures were too intelligent and divided into factions based on the Great Metal Flying Containers of their residence, and a war broke out that left all but the faction of the Superfied Windbag Dactyl Federation destroyed.

Declaring the failure of the Great Metal Flying Containers, Gourd created a dirt planet with giant holes that it filled with water, and it created a new intelligent species to propagate it.

The leader of the Superfied Windbag Dactyl Federation, Venue, grew bitter from Gourd leaving him, and so to vent his anger he punched his cleeple off the container one by one, sending each crashing to the dirt planet. Into the dirt they stuck and their dead stuck bodies infected the planet.

The infection poisoned the plant life on the dirt planet and destroyed the entire food supply, and so Gourd smote Venue for ruining Their dirt planet and banished him to a lecture hall featuring an endless lecture on the history of dish soap.

As for the dirt planet, with no food supply, the ecosystem broke down, and before long the planet was completely empty and lifeless.


The dirt planet was not completely empty and lifeless, though, for on one part, a young man who by saving seeds, shuffling the soil, and redirecting the flow of water, created a sustainable patch of land where he could grow food and live as the lone survivor on a lifeless planet.

But then, one day, as he harvested his crops . . .

"BOW DOWN, MERE MORTAL, TO YOUR CREATOR!" a voice boomed across the sky.

"Oh gee! Oh my! What was that?" the farmer shouted, seeking the voice.

"IT IS I, GOURD, CREATOR OF THOU!" spoketh Gourd.

"Really? Gourd! Amazing! I bow to you, oh Gourd!" and the insolent farmer removed his hat and lowered his head with his arm over his chest.

"I DOTH NOT MEAN BOWING LIKE THAT!" Gourd spoketh, and They struck lightning atop the farmer's house.

The farmer screamed and rightly fell flat against the ground with his arms forward. "Oh, yes, sorry!" he groveled.

"I SEE THAT THOU HAST CREATED A SUSTAINED LIVING DESPITE THE CORRUPTION OF THIS PLANET," spoketh Gourd.

"Indubitably!" The farmer stood up impertinently. "You see, I determined that if these small objects inside the plants are saved and planted in the ground, then with adequate lighting, water, and chemical analysis to ensure the proper maintenance of healthy soil, I could grow and procure my own sustenance without–"

"TREASON!" Gourd shoutedeth. "THOU HAST FORSAKEN ME THROUGH THE USE OF BLASPHEMOUS SCIENCES!"

"What? But I was just– This is the only way I can survive," the farmer foolishly argued, "I was simply–"

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