For You- Kim Jonghyun

D e c e m b e r 2 0 1 7

A/N: The longest, and above all most important chapter. Please show love to everyone around you, and your idols too. You never know what can be going on in their personal life. Jonghyun, I love and will love you forever. Thank you so much for everything you've done during your time here. You can rest now, angel.

You had a concert early in the month. I decided to surprise you by coming. I was hiding backstage as you wrapped up, a huge grin on my face. Grin that didn't last. You were crying. At first, I thought they were tears of joy. But when I saw the look on your face, I acknowledged that I was wrong. Your eyes were scanning the arena as if you were trying to memorize the faces of everyone there. As if you wanted to treasure this moment forever. As if you were trying to say goodbye without having to say it. To anyone else, this would've seemed normal. But not to me.

December 18th, 2017. I will never be able to forget that god-forsaken date. You sent me a cryptic text at around 4:30 pm. "I can't do it anymore, I'm sorry. I love you." I didn't know what that meant. I was so worried. I thought you were leaving me. How foolish of me.

I received a phone call at around 6:00 pm. It was the police. They had found you unconscious in your apartment, a briquette of coal burning. You didn't make it, they said. I dropped the phone. I screamed so loud I think I woke up the entire city. My heart felt like it had been shattered completely. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I was in so much pain I thought my body would completely shut down.

I woke up in the ICU sometime after. Apparently, I had fainted.

"Please tell me it's not true. Please, tell me he's alive."

The nurse smiled sadly, shaking her head, confirming my deepest fear. The members came in, puffy-eyed and looking like zombies. I guessed I looked the same. At the mere sight of each other, we all started crying. It was one of those movie-like moments where everyone clung to each other, hoping that if they held on tight enough, it would make the pain go away. But it didn't.

I had never experienced such vivid pain before. If I could rank it on a scale from 1 to 10, I'd say this was a solid 10. It hurt so much that I couldn't breathe. Crying myself to sleep had become a habit and I didn't know if I would see a day where I didn't.

I attended your funeral a few days later. Everyone said beautiful things about you, my love. It was a very emotional time for everyone there. We were at such a loss to see such an amazing human being taken away from us far, far too soon. Just as the funeral was about to come to an end, your mother found me. She thanked me for my presence and gave me a letter. Apparently, you had written it for me.

I opened it the moment I got home, eager to read the last thing you had left behind for me. It read:

My love,

I don't even know where to start with you. I want to thank you for making my time here happier and filled with love. You are a strong, confident, kind woman I was proud to call mine, even if for a short time. You must have so many questions, unfortunately, I can't answer all of them. I want you to know that I loved you and I will always love you, it is not your fault darling. I never wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry for making you go through such pain. For once in my life, I've decided to be selfish. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you more, but there was nothing you could have done. My soul had already been claimed way before you came into my life. I suffered for such a long time in silence, I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I hope this brings some peace to your soul. May you find love again and be happy, you deserve it. That is all I ask of you.

I will always love you,

Jonghyun.

By the time I finished reading the letter, I was a complete mess. I was holding the letter tightly against my chest, clinging to it for dear life. I guess, it kind of confirmed that you were gone. And you would never come back.

I woke up the next morning with a heavy heart, once more. I closed my eyes and dialed your number, one last time.

"Jonghyun... I know you'll never get this message. But if by some miracle you're watching over me, then I want you to know that I understand. It's okay, I know how hard you tried to escape this. It's not your fault, I know you only wanted it to stop. I will always love you too, I hope you rest well up there. Life will never be the same without you, but I'll try to make the most of it. For you."

I hung up, tears going down my cheeks once more as I remembered my times with you. You had kept all of our Polaroids together and hung them on your wall.

Today, I say goodbye to you, Jonghyun. You were a beloved son, brother, idol, friend and so much more. You were always so cheerful and always made sure that everyone around you was happy. It didn't matter that you weren't. We lost an amazing person, a beautiful soul. You were too pure for this world. You saved so many people with your smile and just by being you, but in the end, you weren't able to save yourself. May you rest in peace, wherever you are. You will be remembered for everything that you were. We will love you forever. I will love you forever.