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It had been a few weeks since the cutting incident with Aaron, and they had both moved on. After a solid week under tedious scrutiny of Aaron, Colby had snapped. Once again he fell from his false happiness into the bathroom. The shower running covered the noises of pain and sobbing. This time though, the disappointing looks he constantly revived from across the room inspired him to be better. Better at hiding that is. Over the next few days he returned to his old happy self,  or rather an empty shell of it. Maybe it was unfortunate that Aaron had given his friend the benefit of the doubt and stopped checking Colby's wrists after a while. As a precaution Colby had moved his cuts to his legs and ribs after getting yelled at for marking up his wrist again. This way he wouldn't get caught, but every time Aaron had said how proud he was Colby was struck with a new wave of guilt. Aaron genuinely thought that his friend was getting better, but he was too naive to see how forced every smile and moment was. If nothing else, Colby was a damn good actor, not just refusing to show any emotion he deemed as weak, but to replace it with what would make the others happier.

To get away from his conscious Colby spent less and less time at the house, and said he'd go to any high place you can find, look out with his ear buds in, and think about Sam. Sometimes he would just stare into the distance for hours, wondering how far he could see. He wanted to run until he couldn't see where he came from, until his body was devoid of feeling - until he left this life behind. Other times he would try and muster the courage to just jump. He felt like a coward when he was frozen with one foot dangling off the edge, too afraid to move. He wondered how his friends would react if he did it, whether or not they'd be sad. Thoughts of who would find him filled his head on the daily.  One time he slipped off a bridge, the feeling of falling like bliss. The feeling of landing on his ass, however, was far from it and the bruises on his tailbone made his sitting patterns look suspiciously like someone who got rawed in a bathroom. Still he was used to pain rifling his body. Every day, his legs stung from the kiss of his razor and his heart stung knowing Sam what would probably never want to kiss him back.

He wondered why he couldn't be more like Sam. Sam was perfect, the way that his blue eyes shined when he laughed, the way his blonde hair fell perfectly over his forehead, the way his slender fingers moved when he was thinking, everything about Sam way perfect. Colby was the opposite, he hated the way his fat poked out above his waist band (even though there was barley anything there), he hated his eyes, how they were always sunken in (Sam liked how they were like the ocean), he hated his laugh and his smile (they lit up the room), Colby was a fuck up, a mistake, an ugly, fat, mistake. 

The crush he had on his friend almost killed him. He was in a constant state of hyper-focusing on Sam's every movement. He marveled at the way the boy moved in a balanced mix of grace and airiness. Maybe it was just how skinny he was, but Sam always seemed like he was floating an inch above the ground when he walked and it was mesmerizing to Colby. Colby's dick also had some things about Sam it found, say, admirable. Colby constantly found himself wondering how Sam would react to a light tug of the hair or feather-like breathing on his neck. Even more so, he found himself silently screaming about how wrong it all was, how fucked up in the brain he had to be to see someone like that. The mix of feelings had started to overwhelm him, and it seemed he was in a deep pit of numbness and confusion. The smallest things out of place or different made him upset, and that sadness turned into anger. Elton once had to help him get broken glass out of his carpet when he smashed his light out of anger after it wouldn't turn on. Sam caught him crying once and just came into his room and sat on his bed in silence, stroking his hair, until the sobbing stopped. Colby hated his best friend seeing him when he was such a mess. So, Colby lied and said it was just how much he miss Kansas and his family. Sam agreed to the sentiment and they sat like that, Colby curled up on Sam's lap and Sam leaning against the wall, until Corey came and asked them what they wanted from Panda Express.

Solby - StitchesWhere stories live. Discover now