12/05/17-2

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12/05/17, later in the morning

After a night of very little sleep and much agonizing, Alejandro woke up.

I had spent a good portion of my time awake rehearsing what I would say to him. I never really settled on anything, but I had a general direction and a few partly-formed phrases.

However, all of that melted away when Alejandro opened his eyes and turned toward me. He put his arms around me, pulled me in to him, and kissed the top of my head.

I'm not sure why this surprised me. During those wee hours of the morning all manner of things had going through my head, including that he would reject me now that he'd "had" me, or that his affection would have waned based on my disappointing performance.

But none of these things happened. His obvious affection, mixed with something like gratitude, made me remember why I'd given in to him.

But after this I didn't want to say any of the things I had prepared. What good would they do now? What was done was done. All they would serve to do now would be to hurt him. I admit, for a while I did want to hurt him, for pushing to take from me what I wasn't ready to give.

And now he was pushing me to tell him what I no longer wanted to say.

"¿Cómo estás?" he whispered.

"Bien." I hoped he would be content with that. He wasn't.

"How do you feel?"

"OK." 

He stared into my eyes until I looked away.

"Are you sorry we did that?" He stroked my face as he spoke.

"I... don't know." I did know. "Maybe... a little."

"Ay, Novelita. I thought you were ready. You seemed so receptive. You did not say 'no.'"

"No. I didn't say 'no'... this time." I almost whispered the last part.

"Mmm." He stopped stroking my face for a moment.

Now I felt crappy. Even crappier than I had before. The damage was done anyway, and now he was upset to boot. He had been so happy a moment before, a sleepy-happy that I'd never seen before and was really endearing. What was the point of wrecking that, if we couldn't go back anyway?

Then he spoke again. "I'm sorry I pushed you, Novela. I got too excited. I did think you were ready. I read your actions to say that you accepted."

I looked away again. My actions did say that.

"I should have made sure."

I nodded a quick nod.

His fingers threaded my hair as he brought his forehead to mine. "Forgive me?" he whispered.

"Yes." I said. How could I not?

He nuzzled my face. "We won't do it again until you tell me for sure that you are ready."

I nodded.

"Even though... I want you again so badly already."

My insides did a little turn at this, but I had not been steeling my resolve all night just to cave again.

But he was true to his word and didn't push. He pulled the top blanket off the bed and wrapped it around his waist as he went to collect his close.

A naked man in my bedroom. In the light of day, the thing seemed so much clearer than it had in the haze of alcohol and dance and a day filled with Alejandro's affectionate words and caresses. Sexual sin, loss of virginity... the one thing I was supposed to guard against, guard so carefully for my future husband.

But what if Alejandro was my future husband? That was the idea, wasn't it? Of course, we weren't supposed to jump the gun, and especially not in a situation like this where he was still... married. Adultery. That was another one to add to the list. That one wasn't even talked about in youth group. No one thought that would even come up. Well, I surprised them all, didn't I? No one would believe that I, Novela, the homeschooled girl, the Bethel girl, was in bed with a married man. A professor.

How are the mighty fallen.

I feel guilty. And yet not. I'm so confused. I know it's wrong. But I don't feel as bad as I should. I do feel horrible. I just can't convince myself that, if I could go back, I would do anything differently.

I will let Alejandro stick to his word and wait until I am ready. I am not ready. I will not be ready until I have a wedding band on my finger.

But if he loses his resolve, will I have any of my own?

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