So here I am again. As of now, I have made it farther than I made it the first time. It should be some kind of accomplishment, the fact that I haven't died yet, but it just feels like this great loss instead. I have lost every single thing that makes me who I am. My family is dead. My best friend, dead. Both of the boys that I love. Dead. My sanity is gone, my innocence has been lost, my will to live was destroyed along with Viper and Caspian. Why I'm still alive is a mystery to me. I don't want to be alive, I have nothing to live for anyways. What is there for me back in Four? A niece who replaced me and her children who never knew me and should never know me.
I haven't moved from the spot I've been in for hours. Blood has crusted to my shoes, my pants, my skin. It paints me red and labels me as what I am. What I always will be. It's not my blood, after all. There's too much of it for that. No, this blood is old and stale and anyone's but mine. Because I'm a killer. I always have been, I just haven't fully embraced it until now. But in this moment I know what I am because I know what I've done. Another thing I will have to live with the rest of my life. Perhaps the worst on the list of horrible things that have been caused by my hand.
I killed Caspian Halcyon.
His blood stains my hands red like his death happened moments ago. Maybe it's not real, maybe it's not really there, but I don't care anymore because it's all I can see. Caspian's blood is on my hands and it will never wash away. No amount of apologies or tears or regrets will change this fact. There have been many faceless, emotionless killings that I have been a part of since my name was called in the Reaping. But this one was different. He had a name, he had a face, he had a voice. A past. Hopes and dreams and fears. And I erased him. I destroyed him. Caspian Halcyon is nothing now but I am still alive.
I will never be able to fix that.
I rake a shaking hand through my hair, trying to force my body into familiar habits so I'll stop trembling. I can still hear his voice. All of the voices in my head have gone silent, even the ones that have been around for years have abandoned me now, but I can hear his like he's still sitting next to me. He had been half asleep when I did it, in that drowsy limbo between reality and dreams. He was telling me about his sister, his parents. A girl named Safia that was his Ren, his great star-crossed love. And as I laid there with my legs draped over his and my head resting next to his, I knew it was time to let go. And so I whispered an 'I love you' and an apology before putting a knife in his chest. Right in his heart.
A new wave of sobs takes over me and I collapse in on myself, cradling my head and screaming to drown out the sound of his laugh. It's so loud, so painfully present in the front of my mind. I don't care if my screams will attract the other tributes anymore. Let them come from all I care, I'm done playing the game. I'm done with being a pawn. That's all I've ever been, a piece in a game that has always been much bigger than me. A bargaining chip. A debt to be paid. A tribute. If this life of killing and tears and insanity is all I will ever have, then so be it. I don't want to life anymore. I don't deserve life. I deserve this pain and this fear and the screams that come with it.
"Attention tributes! Something has gone terribly wrong but I'm afraid it's out of my hands to fix it." I remove my face from my hands as Aconite's frantic voice starts to wash over the arena. Her face in the sky is pale and afraid. It was easy to forget that she's just a child, younger than me, when she was controlling my fate. But not now that she has lost that grip on control.
"As your unfortunate finale, Cassie has sent herself into the Arena. At the beginning of these Games, I had never dreamt that this would happen, I swear. But Cassie wants to be the victor. She always did. And now it seems she has her chance. I'm sorry, finalists, but you're going to beat not only each other, but Cassie as well if you want to survive. There's nothing I can do but watch." I hadn't thought it was possible for these Games to get worse. I hadn't thought it was possible for me to fear these girls more than I had when they first announced why we had been brought back. But I was wrong, I know that now as Aconite looks down on us with those sad eyes.
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Writers Games: Ghost
FantasyCassandra Black is back. Back from the dead that is. As an ex-tribute in the games she knows exactly what it is that's necessary to make this years games better than ever. As this years head Gamemaker, she's prepared to make these games the best the...