Lonely and Tired

Nemesis

She snapped her fingers- fuck where did a three year old even learn that? –and summoned Matt's eldest to her side. I stifled a giggle as Brian swallowed nervously and murmured, "She's got them all after me."

"You like dis?" Harper asked patting Brian's arm. I really had to restrain my laughter as Brian flinched.

Mini-me One nodded with enthusiastic agreement. Clearly his goddess had spoken.

"Good," Harper said and led him off in the direction of the toy box.

"Yassssss," Val crowed with a fist pump. I couldn't hold back my laughter then.

"I'm not joking when I say I hope your cousin has a counsellor on speed dial, whether it be for the kid's issues, the issues of the kids her kid dates or for me. I kind of feel like I need some emotional support right now," Brian whispered in my ear before pressing a hot kiss to the pulse point just below it.

"You're an idiot," I shivered and took a sip of wine.

"Hey Steph," Zacky called from across the room.

"Yeah Zack?"

"I can't work it out. We were all," he spun his hand over his head, "at King's funeral but I don't remember seeing you there. That's really fucking weird yeah? You're not exactly forgettable."

My heart stuttered in my chest. I should have expected this question before now. Fuck. We'd all shared stories about Ryan including how Brian had helped my mother to the car at the funeral. It was a fucking miracle that they'd not asked me this before.

Brian's hand was on my hip and his thumb had been circling in a steady rhythm but at Zacky's question it stopped. I really wanted to blame Zacky for dropping me in this situation, but I could see from the look on his face that it wasn't deliberate. He'd genuinely just been curious. Well that curiosity shit killed cats left right and centre.

"I wasn't there," I said and all I wanted to do was to bury my face in Brian's chest but at that moment I didn't feel as though I had the right to behave like Brian's whatever. These were Ryan's friends, including Brian, and I felt as if they had the right to judge me.

"You what?" Matt asked and the sweet dimpled father of Harper's future minions was gone, this was the guy who thought he was the dark force of his band.

"Hey! Give her a break!" Cathy exclaimed. She knew the story; she'd been there to help scrape up the familial pieces.

"Where the hell were you?" Johnny burst out. He was a genuinely good guy and had stood up for me a couple of times, I could see he was having a hard time reconciling his positive Steph image with that of a brother hating funeral avoider.

Brian was stiff beneath me, and not in a good way, and his hand was almost painfully gripping my hip. God, he must think I was such a bitch.

"I was in Antarctica," I said no point in lying, it was true.

"You were where?" Brian's voice was strained even to my ears.

"Antarctica. Ryan died two days after I sailed on a twenty-one day expedition to South Georgia and Antarctica. I had no internet down there and my parent's didn't want to ruin what was essentially the number one trip on my bucket list. I didn't find out until I set my very wobbly feet back ashore in Ushuaia, by then the funeral was already over," I choked back a sob. Ryan's death had been the icing on the cake of what had been the very best and worst trip of my life. I'd spent out first night back ashore after our trip in our Airbnb frantically messaging my parents. They'd told me there was no point in coming back, the funeral was over, so I'd gone on to Patagonia and marvelled at the scenery hoping that in some way nature's beauty could fix the shit show my life had turned into. Let that be a lesson to you kids, don't trust social media. My followers had loved what I'd posted even though my life was in tatters.