12/03/17

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12/03/17

Alejandro took me out dancing last night. I wonder if it was the only way he could legitimately touch me, according to the rules we have so weirdly created. It was fun. It was fun to dance, and it was ecstasy to feel his arms around me, holding me close to him. He wasn't even trying to dance well some of the time, in order to be closer to me. I didn't mind.

It was late when we got back, and my exhaustion must have hit as soon as we got in the room, because I sat on the bed for a minute and then leaned over, and woke up this morning still in my clothes and full makeup.

It's Sunday morning. I barely even registered that. Sunday I should be in church. Ha. I don't even know where to begin on that line of thought so I'll just leave it there.

Today is the day Alejandro talks to Emily. He talked to her and arranged to meet today. He is in the bathroom getting ready now.

I feel so conflicted. I feel apprehensive about the conversation, and really guilty. But I also feel jealous that he is going to see her. His wife. How can I be jealous? If anything, she should be jealous of me. He is leaving her for me. But I can't help it. What if he sees her and remembers his old feelings for her and changes his mind? He said he never really loved her, but what if he just forgot how he really felt? And how could I fight against that if it happened, since it's really what should happen? 

[Later - I just finished that last paragraph because he left mid-paragraph.[

He just left. I hate that we are not touching now - it would have felt better maybe if he had kissed me goodbye, like he has done before. But that is my fault. And now I have to sit here and stew in it for the next couple of hours while he is gone.  These might be the longest few hours of my life.


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