the rebuilding

lose my number

//previously titled don't pick up the phone//

"i told you i lost your number"

really?
are you sure about that?
because i'm pretty sure i'd remember if you told me that.
i remember everything about you, our relationship, the conversations we had.
so don't you think i'd remember why you stopped talking to me?
of course i would, but you failed to mention that you "lost my number"
i don't believe that bullshit, you can't feed me another lie.
maybe 7 months ago i would've fallen back down the rabbit hole into the same loop of loving you but now it's too late.
think back to yourself 9 months ago before the shit hit the fan.
before she was carrying your baby, back when i was your baby.
things weren't great but they were bearable and i didn't have to cry myself to sleep over you.
sometimes you didn't answer and i just assumed you were busy but you were running around chasing after someone else while i was the girl at home waiting for you.
flashback to a year before that, april 2016, when i should've told you to lose my number after you called me at 12:35 in the morning when i was in a different time zone.
i shouldn't have picked up the phone but i did and you were drunk and god i wanted to listen to you speak but it was too loud and it irritated you. minutes later we were texting and i was hooked again. and i didn't know the mistake i had made.
i was so caught up in the fact you had chosen me and i was your priority that i wasn't questioning your motives or your shady behavior.

how can a boy get gucci cologne but lack phone service?

those statements don't compute.
it was all a lie, a big fat mess that still fucks me up to this day. months later and i'm still crying over you.
i shouldn't be this hung up on a boy who stopped caring months ago but i am and i want to reach out to you but i can't take another rejected plea from my side.
begging for friendship since a relationship with you is unbearable when you're a father to be.
what would i say when she would inevitably find out about me?
she would make my life hell, not yours.
so i guess this is for the best when i say,
i hope you actually lost my number.