Saving my Own Soul

I (Revamping)

Recollecting my thoughts, I explained the very first memory to the therapist that came to mind, about our past.

He was my first love, my one true ride or die, but was I willing to give up my happiness to uphold a relationship that was truly broken, no matter how much I wanted to believe it wasn't? I just wanted to let go of the past and see where this new future would take us.

High school

I moaned as he kissed my neck, gently nibbling on it in the process. I inwardly groaned now realizing I would have to come up with a lie to tell my mother as to why I had a hickey on my neck. I may be dark, but it wasn't something she could just easily cover-up. Any bruise or mark or hickey was still always clearly visible on my skin. We had only planned to work on our homework, which they did...but one thing led to another. And here we are. "How did I get so lucky." He mumbled in my neck, distracting me from my inner thoughts. "Mmm...you're so beautiful" he murmured huskily, continuing to suck on my neck, roaming my body ever so softly.

I quickly glanced at the clock. Crap! As much as I enjoyed my boyfriend kissing me, I knew my mom would kill me if I came home past midnight. I gave my boyfriend a light push to move him out the way. At first, he gave a confused look, then noticed what time it was. "Oh, Shoot! Babe lets get you home."

I think that night we both received a mouthful from my mother, not to mention the fact we had gotten caught. My mother never seemed to approve of him, even when we were just friends. But Momma knows best I suppose. If I only would have listened to her back then, I probably wouldn't be stuck in the mess I'm in. But I had never been so happy then when I was with him. And eventually, everyone in our lives went along with us being a couple. He and I followed each other well after college when our sexual actions had become more... physical. I think by that point he had put me in a spell I couldn't escape, and I didn't realize until it was too late.

The beginning part of our relationship was probably some of the best times we had together. We were both dedicated and committed to each other, but just as focused on our dreams, as we were in our relationship. I think somewhere along the way, we lost that, he lost that, and a switch turned on in him that turned him into the man he is now. So focused on our careers, his career, that he lost sight of the love and strong bond we once had with each other. And one day I didn't recognize the man I had fallen in love with.

He gently grabbed my hand, pulling me close and wrapping his arm around my waist. Softly caressing my cheek, gliding across my face ever so slowly, as his eyes soon became a swiveling Dark Knight, turning from a Hazel Green to a gray. His breath brushed up against my lips showing how close he was to me. My lips barely touched his when his lips gracefully captured mine. His lips So Soft, his touch so gentle. My thoughts swirling with the greedy desire to want him more. He hoisted me up against the wall allowing her arms to wrap around his neck. It was like clockwork, and suddenly my legs followed, snaking around tight against his waist. He didn't let her fall he didn't let go. "I love you," he said. He whispered huskily into her ear, which only made her body go into the ultimate High. "He loved me?" she thought, although she had heard her husband say before, every time it was said, she felt her heart flutter all over again. She began to press harder against his chest as he quickly unbuckled his belt. -------------But, just as one's belt can open a gateway to senseless lovemaking, it can be your worst enemy to your worst nightmare come true...

1 Year Ago from Present Day

I screamed as the metal part of the belt hit the bare skin of my leg. I suppressed my tears. Holding on to whatever I could, I tried not to show my fear, but once he struck the next hit, I couldn't hold back my cries. I was too weak to push him and fight back. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, he was too strong for me to overtake him if I tried. My pleads and cries for help were no use, it only made things worse, and only made him angrier. He would just look at me and tell me to hush up. Teary-eyed and completely beat, I watched the belt drop to the floor. I soon felt his sweaty clammy hands wrap around my body, tightly.

I gazed into his eyes, almost hoping to find that sparkle or glow in his eyes he once had, but there was none. His eyes were dark and cold, only wishing he hadn't let go of that belt.

"If you ever disrespect me again, or even think about wearing some revealin' shi' like that, you'll get worse than just a belt." His words were cold and cynical, scaring me even more than I already was.

Without hesitation, I just nodded at him, not wanting to upset him again. However, unfortunately, nodding my head was definitely the wrong move. His hand made a loud sound against my cheek. I bit down on my lip, to stop my ongoing tears already streaming down my face.

"I don't want no damn nod, I want a yes!!" he grabbed a hold of my face, tightening his grip.

"Y-Yes Deshawn" I stuttered out, barely even a whisper, if you could even call it one. My voice was practically gone.

"Good. Now get your ass outta here and change outta that mess. " His breath smelled of beer, a wrenching smell to take in.

I winced as the pain finally hit my body. I limped over to our bedroom, in hopes of escaping his wrath. I quivered, as my eyes gazed down at the sparkling diamond on my finger. I sighed and scrambled over to my closet trying to find something more "presentable". I picked out some black slim-fit pants and a white and black striped blouse. I figured at least then the bruises and marks on my legs wouldn't be seen. I grabbed both clothing and limped to the bathroom to take a quick shower. I winced as the cuts and bruises on my leg began to burn and sting. I watched the water cascade down the side of my body, slowly numbing the pain I was feeling.

Once I had finished my shower, I was faced with the most horrifying image, as I stared at myself in the mirror. All I could do was sit there and cry. Was this really what my life had come down to? Did I really want to continue to live my life this way? I sighed once more, grabbing my foundation in my makeup bag, and began to apply it to my face. I wanted to cover up as much of this red bruise on my face as possible. Thank God for makeup, I guess.

My body still ached from the beating, but I managed to get myself to walk, somewhat at least. Plus, I didn't have the time to soothe my pain at the moment. Right when I had thought I was free and had some air to breathe, he appeared at the door. He stood right there blocking the entranceway. Yet again, I couldn't escape. I cringed the minute he snatched me closer to his chest. All I wanted to do was to have one peaceful morning, that's all. I tried to release from his hold as much as I could.

"Deshawn I have to g-get to w-work, p-p-please." I pleaded, almost at the brink of tears, again.

Maybe if she closed her eyes he would go away, and this would all be a dream...I tried assuring myself. Of course, it never worked, but it helped with the pain. I kept walking backward, not realizing I had run myself right into a nearby corner. I was definitely trapped now.

"Oh my dear, my sweet Sayria, you just can't get away. Nor will you ever, no matter how much you try."

At this point, I had lost all breath but managed to get a few words out. "I can't be late to work" I quivered.

He chuckled "You own the company honey, there's no such thing as being late, you can come in whenever you want" He shook his head as if he was disappointed.

He leaned down to kiss me on my lips, but I had moved my head and he ended up kissing my cheek. He didn't seem fazed by it, and yanked my chin, forcing his lips to mine.

It disgusted me now whenever he decided to kiss me. I wanted to feel something, but, I felt nothing, not like I used to. It just felt like another way for him to have control over me, there was no love involved. He gave me one last look, before releasing me from his hold.

"Go on, get out of here." he shooed me to the door.

I fumbled with my things and began to walk out the door. "Oh wait!" I stopped in my tracks the minute he spoke.

" Yes dear." doing my best to hold my composure.

"Don't forget, we have that barbeque later on with your family tonight" he smirked.

Shoot!...

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xoxo Zariah C.