Middle School Pt. 3 (the last part)

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Well onward to 8th grade my most exhilarating but intoxicating years. It was the year that I lost kind of a lot of weight and became more aware of sex and sexuality and things I didn't know existed. But it was also the year that I suffered something terrible that shook me to the core but felt so good that I thought I never would've been able to stop. I probably shouldn't describe it in such great detail because no one needs to be triggered. 

I started to self- harm. God, do I royally regret it. It isn't my happiest year in 8th grade. It was my worst but I had times where it was okay. It was also the year I did something I knew was really bad but I was at a very low point in my life. I was talking to people who, honestly, I shouldn't have. I talked about things because I was curious. I talked to them about half a year to get to know them before I actually started asking questions. I won't go into it because I want to forget it and move past it. 

Part of talking to the people I did, I wanted to get away. I wanted to run. I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to be somewhere, where no one knew my name, what I've done and I would be able to be invisible. Well, my parents found all of my information and messages, etc. and boy were they not happy. I was banned for life to not have any social media at all. Because they didn't want what happened to happen again. 

Anyway, I want to stop talking about the subject now because I hate the subject. As I said, I want to forget it. It was 8th grade and I started to figure out who I really was, but I kept it from everyone and I mean everyone. No one knew the real me. I hid behind a facade that I was some happy white kid. I said things that I didn't actually like. For example, I would talk to the girls I sat with in lunch in 7th grade and they would talk about how they liked Starbucks and Uggs and stupid shit that I didn't actually like at all, but I lied and said that I did like those things. 

After that, I just up and stopped talking to the girls because we didn't have the same lunch anymore. I started going to drama club because in 8th grade I thought I wanted to be an actress, so I thought Drama Club would be a great experience. Boy, was I right. It was the best thing that year. I met people who I could relate to and had a shit ton of things in common with.

I met these two girls, who were best friends. I will call them Carlie and Vanessa. Carlie was really tall and chunky. And Vanessa was short and curvy. They looked like total opposites but paired together like peanut butter and jelly. Vanessa loved bright colors and unicorns and anime, and Carlie loved black, screamo and horror movies. Well, they started talking about One Direction, which at the time I was really obsessed with them. So I summed up the courage to speak up and insert myself into their conversation, which they didn't mind that I did, and said I loved them and we started talking about them all the time.

A few days later and I found out that Carlie and Vanessa were actually in the same lunch I was in and boy was I excited. I eagerly sat down with them because I felt that I actually had true friends. We started talking about everything that we had in common and we started hanging out all the time and had sleepovers and sharing lunch. Well, in November I auditioned for a musical. The Sound of Music. I got ensemble with Carlie and Vanessa and we had to dress up like nuns because that was who we had to portray in the musical. 

One day at rehearsal, Carlie didn't show up. Vanessa and I got a little worried because she always showed up. We both called her a bunch of times until her mom picked up with sadness in her voice. "Hello?" she said. "Hi, we were wondering where Carlie is?" we asked at the same time since we had the phone on speakerphone, " Sh-she's in the hospital, she tr-tried to commit suicide last night" she replied, starting to sob. Boy did I feel like a bag of rocks. It hit me really hard because not only was she one of my best friends but I realized then as both a friend and a crush did I want her to be okay and that I could go see her. Well, in November we met two boys named Alex and Mason. Well, Carlie and Alex started to like each other and started going out before this happened. Anyway, we had to break the news to Alex and he cried because he wished that he noticed and that he helped, but Carlie was very secretive. We never knew her emotions on the inside that she was feeling. That is one thing that Carlie kept to herself because she was afraid to bring the walls down. 

A month or so passed and Carlie finally got out of the hospital and was a little better than what she was. She met a girl that she developed a crush on while in the hospital so she immediately broke up with Alex. But what I didn't know, was that it wasn't because Carlie liked the girl but because Alex had a crush on me. I was so guilty and felt so bad and I kept apologizing to her. She didn't care because she stopped liking Alex the month or so while she was in the hospital. Well, one day I get a text in class from Alex and I instantly get nervous, because I've never had someone have a crush on me. 

My first boyfriend was dared to ask me out for fuck's sake. And we went out for like 2 weeks and that was it. Back to Alex and the text. I secretly took my phone out because we weren't allowed to be on our phones and I looked down to read, "Hey, ask the teacher to go to the bathroom, I need to talk to you about something very important", me being me thought he just needed to talk about what was going on in his life because we grew close as friends and he didn't trust Vanessa because Vanessa never liked him. I did exactly what I was told and asked the teacher if I could use the restroom which she happily said yes because I was her favorite out of the class because I was still the nerd from 7th grade and because I read books all the time. 

I went out into the hall and around the corner as if I was going to the bathroom and was pulled into the stairwell near my class. I gasped because at first, I didn't know who the hell it was and thought I was about to get the shit beat out of me by a bully. Well, to my great relief, it was Alex. He started blushing and started stammering, pushing his sentences together speaking so fast. I giggled because it was a little cute. Well, finally he said, "I know it's a little early or whatever but I really like you and yes more than friends. I like you a lot and would love it if you would be my girlfriend?" I widened my eyes at the last part because I was really surprised he would even ask that question. I smiled and nodded my head and replied with a simple yes. He hugged me and said he would see me later; so we went back to class afterwards after talking for a few minutes about whats going to happen at lunch with Carlie, Vanessa, and Mason. We talked about how we were going to break the news and make it not uncomfortable or awkward. 

Lunchtime came and we sat down after getting our lunches next to each other which we did every day anyway as friends. We looked up at them and it was like time kind of froze and everything went very slow. He started telling them about it and I started getting extremely anxious thinking that it was all going to go downhill very fast.  But interestingly enough, they all thought it was the cutest thing ever. 

Fast forward in time and we broke up a year later and we've been best friends ever since. He's the only one that I actually talk to about what goes on in my life. 

Now it's summer before high school and I'm very nervous. I could feel my heart beat out of my chest. I was internally freaking because I knew I probably could start anew and have no one know who I am. I could finally be popular and be part of the pretty crowd... well at least I thought I would make it into that crowd. 

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