Hitchhikers (Wolf Point #1)

-36-

**TW: suicide**

I'm not entirely sure how I got here, but it's as good a place as any to die.

There are lots of beams overhead, and I've found a rope.

With more energy than I've had in weeks, I throw the rope up and over, secure a knot that will hold my weight.

Through the soaped over windows, light gleams, a milky twilight. When I was in grade school, one of my classmates showed us how to tie a hangman's knot. "You have to wrap the rope around thirteen times," he said. In a corner of the playground we watched him wrap the rope around and around, mesmerized by the repetitive action.

around and around and around

There is a rickety chair in this abandoned warehouse. I drag it through the dust on the floor and step onto the seat. Slowly, to keep my balance, I stand up straight and hold the noose out in front of my face.

Through the loop Lila sits, watching me with sad eyes. I see her, and I see my father, and my uncles, and a small child, and hundreds of other who are shades, waiting for me on the other side.

"I have to," I tell her.

Her eyes accuse me.

"You'll be fine on your own. Better than fine. You're better off without me." I take a deep breath. "You've seen what kind of monster I am."

She has seen. She knows what I am. And still she is here.

No. I'm a monster.

"It's better this way," I say, and slide the garrote over my head, pulling it tight like a dog collar, pulling it tighter so it's hard to breathe. I don't deserve such an easy death. I should die in terror, my limbs torn apart like those of my victims. I should die with sharp teeth coming after me, feeling my flesh being eaten and ripped from my bones.

That is what kind of monster I am.

Now Kayla stands before me as I struggle to breathe, nude, her long toffee-colored hair draped over her. "It isn't your fault, Daniel," she says.

your fault your fault your fault

Her voice stabs me.

"I can't control it." My eyes blur. "It's better this way. For everyone."

"No."

She steps forward. She has a shadow. Her musky woodsy scent drifts up to me, fills all the air I breathe. "You're not even really here. I'm imagining you."

"They should have told you," she says. "Warned you. But that is the way of the pack. The men face it alone."

There is a darkness crowding in. I blink, try to see what is real. Where is Lila? Is the sun really setting so fast?

Her soft hand reaches up and touches my face.

"It is forbidden to tell you. You have to figure it out. See what is in front of your eyes."

Kayla.

Kayla is here.

it's too much it's too big

I try to step off the chair. There is no one here who can stop me. There is no one here except in my imagination.

A very real hand presses on my chest, keeping me alive.

"Listen to me," she insists. "It happens on your birthday. Remember your birthday?"

my birthday

Today is my sixteenth birthday.

happy birthday to me