he was speechless. all he could do was shake his head and hold back the tears that threatened to fall. "mom treats me like shit and i feel like it's because you left her. like i'm the reason you treated her like she was nothing."
"well you aren't wrong." his father took a swig of his opened beer bottle that sat on the coffee table. "if she never got pregnant i would have left her to spare her the pain but she did this to herself. she kept me around despite knowing i didn't want her. now she's some bitter women who can't seem to move on. honestly, you should come live with me."
"i don't want to be like you dad." johnny felt his breath become shaky as his mind flashed to taeil. "i don't want to become what you are. i want to love someone and be with that person for the rest of my life. i don't want to turn to alcohol, women, and drugs for closure. i want to be able to turn to him when i'm feeling down. i want to love him like he should but i can't because i'm exposed to you!"
his father merely took another sip of his drink. this wasn't how he expected nor wanted his tuesday to go. "so, you're telling me i'm the reason you can't love someone? why blame me youngho? you sound just like your mother right now."
"you know why i'm blaming you dad. you practically taught me that love is useless and being with one person is pointless when there are others out there that have better sexual qualities! i have commitment issues because you exposed me to it all while i was growing up!"
his father rolled his eyes in annoyance. "no one told you to become like me! you're the one that decided to stick around despite knowing what i do and how i feel so don't put the blame on me! i tried to be a good father to you youngho!"
"this," he motioned towards his surroundings, "isn't being a good father! fathers are supposed to nurture and─"
"then leave youngho. you're old enough. you don't need me around since i'm such a bad influence. i'm not going to change who i am, but you still can so do it while you're able."
"so you just want to cut ties with me? is that what we're doing?"
in a rage his father kicked the table over, his drink spilling all over the floor. "what else do you want from me!? your problem isn't with me but with your mother!"
"it's with both of you!"
"then go talk to her like you did with me and see what she says! i don't want to talk about this anymore okay? you got your closure from me now go get the rest from her and then move on with your fucking life, got it!?"
with tear stained cheeks johnny stood up. "alright. i'll see myself out then." as he approached the door he felt his father's presence right behind him. as he turned he was pulled into a tight hug. "dad─" he sobbed into his chest.
"i'm sorry youngho. i wish you the best."
the pelting rain felt almost needed as johnny trudged down the road; his tears infused with the heavy drops. his body felt cold but his heart even colder. walking out of his dad's life was harder than he thought.
he had thoughts of turning back, running back to his fathers where the two would pretend their conversation didn't happen as they drank until they were both stumbling laughing idiots. but he couldn't. and wouldn't.
"johnny?" taeil stood in front of him, dressed warmly in his navy blue umbrella shielding him from the raging downpour. "holy shit johnny! you're going to catch a cold!"
taeil pulled him under the umbrella, his eyes shaking with worry at his appearance and ice cold touch. "what are you doing out in the rain?"
"i enjoy walking in the rain. why are you out in the rain without an umbrella!? what happened john?" johnny couldn't help but collapse into taeil's familiar warm embrace.
"i talked with my dad and..." he was so choked up the remaining words were left unsaid but taeil understood. he always did. "please help me."
"i will. i promise."
everything seemed to blur as seconds changed to minutes, minutes to hours. the brief walk back to taeil's house, the faint sound of running bath water, the heat from taeil's fingertips as he stripped johnny bare. the steaming bath did nothing except give the illusion that the warmth johnny felt once before returned.
when johnny found himself tucked under taeil's thick winter blankets with the shorter male clinging to him, he felt a flicker of warmth. just as quick as it came it vanished.
"taeil─"
"don't. not now, just... please rest." taeil, out of habit, pulled johnny close, just under his chin where his hands wove through his damp dark strands. for the first time in weeks, johnny fell asleep at a comfortable peace.
✿
this book has been going on for nearly a year now. it's so heartbreaking knowing it's soon coming to an end. i hope everyone will stick around for it. ❤️ tysm for waiting for updates and supporting the story!
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