Chapter 33.

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The morning they woke up, Niall found himself emptying Liam's dressier, looking for fresh clothes to wear. He was wearing one of his own baggy tops, that clung to his figure and a pair of sweats. His elbows were rested on the edge of the wood as he emptied his husbands clothes, digging and digging.

He didn't want to wear his husbands clothes, he felt bad. Mainly because they'd stretch and stretch until even Liam couldn't wear them anymore. He felt horrible. He felt ugly and fat and just downright disgusting and he missed his old figure. He missed being a teenager. Of course, Jo had assured him that it was normal for someone during pregnancy to feel this way but he just felt horrible.

He had just tossed out and old band tee of Liam's when there was a thud in the drawers. Frowning, Niall went to investigate and dug out an old notebook, more like a diary. It was brown with leather binding, a small strap to hold it together and a pen attached to it. Abandoning the messy clothes sprawled before him, Niall sat at the edge of the bed and began to read.

7th of September, 4.40pm

Nialls asleep. That's all he ever seems to do now and I'm worried. I'm worried that this whole pregnancy is going to tire him out more and more. That's all I seem to do now is worry. He won't tell me how he feels, or what he wants. He ignores me most of the time now, even though I'm reaching it for him. My mum says I should talk to him. How can I talk to him if he doesn't listen to me?

Niall let out a shaky breath and flicked through to the latest entry, which was a weeks ago.

29th of October, 11.10pm

Niall's at the hospital. Again. I'm so scared. I shouldn't have been mad at him, I shouldn't have been angry. I mean, who cares if he told Harry about the dream first and not me? I shouldn't have shouted at him and I think I pushed him too far. Didn't I?

It ended there and Niall couldn't help the tears streaming down his face as he wiped aimlessly at them. There was the sound of footsteps and Liam appeared, coming back up from the kitchen. "Ni, I think we should- hey, what's wrong?" He immediately frowned and Niall sniffed, holding the diary in his lap. Liam's eyes fell on it and he gulped nervously.

"You never told me you kept a diary," Niall croaked and Liam shrugged. "That's not really the point of diaries babe." Liam pointed out idly and Niall couldn't help but feel a little hurt. "I didn't think you'd need to keep a diary," he said through gritted-teeth and Liam sighed, closing the door behind him.

"You have me, Liam. You have me to talk to, not some stupid diary." Niall huffed and Liam said nothing, leaning against the door. "I think we need to talk." Niall spoke faintly and Liam nodded in agreement and they both sat on the edge of the bed, cross-legged in front of each other. "Why did you start writing a diary?" Niall whispered, holding it in his lap.

"Dr Baxter gave it too me, after we lost the- after the first time you got pregnant." Liam stuttered. He was going to say when we lost our first baby but he couldn't bring himself to say it, it was too hard. "She said it would help. With my feels and stuff. I didn't trust myself talking to you at the time, I didn't wanna hurt you." Liam shrugged and Niall sighed, his shoulders drooping.

"What's happened to us, Liam? We used to be so open with each other, we used to tell each other everything. Now I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore." Niall was crying now but he couldn't help it.

"I feel the same way about you." Liam admitted, avoiding looking at Niall and picking the fabric of the covers on the bed. "Liam," Niall tried and Liam finally looked up at Niall. Niall placed his hands over Liam's and Liam tensed, at how warm they were. He loved this. He loved the way Niall touched him, in the most sensational way possible that electricity sparked through his im entire body, pulsing through his veins. It was something nobody had ever been able to do to him and it was something he knew that'd never end. He didn't want it too anyway.

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