No words

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I stood in the mirror looking at the person staring back. She had large dark circles around her eyes and her eyes were swollen. Her hair was knotted and matted against her head from several days or weeks without showering or getting out of bed. I couldn't tell the difference between days and weeks anymore. All I remembered was going to his funeral and pouring my heart and soul into my speech for him.

I tore my gaze away to glance at the clock.

4:57

Ok. I would go to school today. I would stand tall. Grandpa would want me to. He was a proud man, always telling me to take pride in what I did. Until the day he died, he faced all his insecurities and flaws with enthusiasm and optimism.

After an hour long shower, I felt a little better. I definitely looked better. I had time to take a nap now. At 6 I jolted awake and brushed my hair. I was going to go back to school strong. I was going to ignore the fact that I spoke too loudly, I was always too honest, and I could be so annoying, but my friends tolerate me somehow. I was going to be proud. And more like my grandpa. 

I put on a quick outfit and looked in the mirror. I looked fine. The only ugly thing was the thoughts in my brain right now that I was trying to avoid. 

Malcolm? 
Would grandpa want me to mourn instead? 
How am I going to tolerate everyone?
I don't want to talk to people I don't like. I'm tired of the whole social situation.

It was now 7:02. I walked outside to the bus stop. The first person I saw was Luna. That was familiar. She understood my pain. The next person I saw was Reese, who smiled at me cautiously. The next person I saw was Malcolm. He was looking at me with his clear blue eyes, waiting for me to say something. Waiting. 

"Hi." Malcolm said quietly.

I just looked at him and gave a small wave, my face still remaining emotionless. I didn't want to talk to him. 

His smile dissipated but I didn't care.

At school, a bunch of people approached me, usually saying something along the lines of "I'm so sorry". I would roll my eyes (in my head, though) and say "It's fine." I always found it so ridiculous when people said that. What were they apologizing for? 

Soon came lunch, which I was dreading. I walked outside to the lunchtables and looked around. Finally, I decided to sit with a group of 5 kids in the corner. 

"Oh. Um. Hi. I'm Anastasia. Or Ana for short." The girl sitting across from me said. I looked at her. She was gorgeous. She was black with hazel eyes and short, frizzing hair. 

"Hi. I'm Lani." I replied. I didn't feel up to socializing, but I needed somewhere to sit. "You don't need to talk to me. I just need somewhere to sit."

I turned around to glance at Malcolm, and saw that  he was looking back at me. He beckoned me to come and sit down with them, but I ignored him. He had to stop forcing me to do things. I didn't feel like the same bubbly sweet Lani as I used to be. 


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