How to Catch Wild Teenager

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Hello, Derek the demon here. Today, I'm going to tell you how to prepare roasted teenager.

Step 1

First you have to catch a teenager. These elusive creatures can be found hanging out at mortal institutions called high schools, where they are safely corralled for most of the time. It's very hard to catch a teenager when they are locked inside these walls, unless you want to go to trouble of dressing up like a teenager yourself and subjecting yourself to the humiliations of youth you outgrew hundreds or thousands of years before. Not only is that a slow and irritating way to catch fresh teenager, it makes you like a creepy stalker and not in the respectable way all demons should aspire to.

The best way to catch a teenager is to wait until they head back to their den, which is usually located in a complex filled with one of more older adults and their various offspring. The teenage den is a secluded place, usually with signs warning others to "Stay Out" and "No Adults Allowed." The teenager will spend many of their non-school hours inside, communicating with other teenagers via mortal devices while reading ritual tomes called "text books" and "YA novels."

Part of the hunt is luring the teenager to trust you. Sure, you could just grab them in the dead of night, but there's really no sport in that. You have to gain their trust, tame them, make them willing to follow you to Hell and back, then trap them in Hell's kitchen, or, if you haven't paid for your kitchen privileges, your own kitchen in your apartment in Hell.

But be careful. You don't want to actually start a relationship with them. They're human for Hell's sake. Do you really want to be stuck kissing a dirty mortal? I thought not. So, keep your seduction tactics firmly in the realm of words and the true love nonsense humans are so wont to fantasize about. The dreams of what is to come will keep your quarry docile and easy to lead to their doom.

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