My Hidden Drug (A Ronnie Radke love story)

Chapter 5: Broken pieces that will never be fixed

(Okay guys heres the anniversary chapter, I'm going to warn you, I started to cry as I was writing this.)

I Look out the window, watching as Rob, Paul, and Max all moved into the car. Bryan looked at me throught the window, and smiled nodding once. I sat motionless, watching them drive off, giving me and craig one whole day of being alone. I sigh and grab my ipod which I had just filled with over one thousand more songs the night before. I grab my pillow and walk out the room, checking in on craig first before I walk out. Looking throught the crack between the door and the wall, I can see him sitting there just staring at the picture of mom and dad.

I close his door and walk towards the theatre. Going up to the controls that work the speakers, I lock my phone in one of the cabnets an hook up my ipod. I press play all, and listen as I walk down the stairs to Panic at the Disco's Sarah Smiles. I go to the stage and lay my pillow down, and sitt my picture of my mom and dad next to it. I lie down and stare at the picture, their happieness frozen forever in time. It was funny, the day that picture was taken, mom and dad had gotten in a big fight over craig. Dad had wanted to send him to military camp to make him the "man" his father was today, while mom wanted craig no where near the war. They were both totally pissed at each other, but had turned to look both happy and calm with each other for the picture me and craig took.

They always wanted to see us happy, weather they were or not, Thats what craig always used to say to me when I was younger and missed them. I smiled and continued looking at the picture.

'I sat in my dads lap, messing with his beard and his noes. "Daddys gotta big nose a big nose a big nose, daddys gotta big nose and its silly!" I kept singing over and over again. i climed over his shoulder and started to mess with his hair, when I noticed a scar on his head. "Where did you get the scar daddy?" I ask. I look down his back and lifted his shirt to see a million more scars on his back. "Where do you think honey?" He asks me "Where else but the crash that you made me and Your mother do?" He turned around and a huge scar had taken a chunk of his face off '

I sit up from my pillow, sweat pouring down my face. I looked around, I was still in the ampitheatre, still lieing on my pillow, still looking at my picture. I hadn't know I had fallen asleep. "Just a dream" I whispere to myself "just a dream". I pick up my picture, and think of the past. Back when I was younger, my parents always wanted me to be the preseous little girly princess, which I wasn't at all. When we went out to places like church, they would dress me in the girliest, pinkest dresses or outfits they had, not knowing I was hiding my own outfits.

Once we got there I would say I had to go to the bathroom and do my quick changes. Soon I would come out in one of the band T-shirts Craig would buy me and a pair of skinny jeans they never knew I had. Right when I would see the look on their face, I knew they were dissapointed that they had lost thier preasous little princess, but I didn't care. I remember the night they had died, they were going to take me to a party their friends were having so I could go hang out with other little girls, but I refused.

They had just put me in a super pink, super glittery dress, and had taken all my clothes I liked to wear. Me, being the bratty little girl I was, had thrown a fit. "I HATE PINK, I HATE DRESSES" I had yelled. I threw off my dress and started to rip it. "I HATE THIS" I yelled ripping it in front of them "AND I HATE YOU!!!!" After the dress was ripped to shreds, I threw one of my big shirts I wore for pjs and ran into the bathroom, slaming and locking the door.

I could tell that they were hurt by the way they were talking to craig. "But the family really wants to meet her" My mom said "She needs to be like other little girls, not like your any help" My dad said. "Look she cant be just your perfect little angle, she's different. Just leave her here with me I'll talk to her" I heard craig said, a little bit of anger in his voice. I heard my mom sigh "she does listen to you more" The sound of feet shuffleing on the carpet comes through the door "Come on herb, lets go before we're late."

Later that night, craig had sat me down, and talked to me about how I must be nice to mommy and daddy, and to never tell them I hated them. I must admit, I did feel bad about what I did and what I said. I had planned to open the door for mommy and daddy when they got home, in my nice little pink night gown they had gotten me, and hug them and say I'm sorry. But that night, when I opened the door, it was a cop instead of mommy and daddy. I cried for a whole week after that, because I always, and still do think, that my mom and dad died, thinking I hated them.

I sat and listened to adam lamberts song broken pieces that had just turned on. "Broken pieces break into me. So imperfect, which is what you should be. I know the battles, of chasing the shadows of who you want to be. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, just be free!" (I think I messed up at the lyrics, DON'T JUDGE ME!) I felt as my breathing became faster,and the tears well up in my eyes, slowly dropping down my cheek to the floor.

I heard the door to the theatre open and I looked to see craig brining in a grilled cheese sandwich with a mountain dew. He would always bring food to me, look and nod, then go away to cope his way, but today when he looked at me, he saw the tears on my face. I stood up and looked at him, watching his eyes water too, and I ran to him and embraced him in a hug. We stood there for about thirty minets just standing and crying and hugging all at the same time.

He sat me down and put his arm around me. For the longest time we just sat next to each other, listening to my iPod as my All Time Low CD started to play. We sat there for a while, eating the grilled cheese and sharing the drink, until I felt the tears come again. "Hey hey its okay" craig says hugging me. I shake my head "No it isn't" I sob "because mom and died died that night, thinking that I hated them, that I waished they were dead!"

I felt the tears come harder as I sobbed louder. "No no don't think that" craig says to me "Don't you ever think that you hear, mom and dad knew you loved them." Again I shook my head "No because that night I yelled at them that I did and then never even said goodbye!" I laid my head in his arms and cried louder than I ever cried before. "No paige stop it" craig says, rubbing my back "they both knew you loved them, they knew you were just angry, don't you ever think no matter what that they ever thought you stopped loving them."

I sat there and listen to my sobs get quieter, and craig a little bit louder. "It's all my fault!" I heard him say between sobs. "Whats do you mean it's all your fault?" I ask him, mustering up any breath I had between my crys. "That there dead!"craig says. I look at him with a sympathetic expression, but he shakes his head. "Don't give me that god damn look!" He says "It is my fault! I was working on there car and told them not to drive it, I told them to take my car, even though I knew the breaks were fucked up, and they died because of me, they fucking died!"

I hugged him as hard as I could. "IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!" I scream as I cry "it's not your faul or my fault okay. It was the fucking retard who decided to drive drunk! We cant blame their deaths on ourselves!" We sat there, hugging and crying our insides out. Craig moved and grabbed my shoulders. "Paige" He says one his sobs are done "I promise you, that I will do whatever it takes to protect you, and to keep you safe, and to let you know I love you!"

"And I" I say feeling more tears come "Promise the same thing" He smiles and spits on his hand "Deal?" He asks. I do the same exact thing "Deal" I say. We both stiffle out a little laugh as we shake hands, and hold each other close as the tears come and the music plays on.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(OKay guys so I'm going to make this quick cause I am seriously crying right now. What did you guys think? Did you cry too, or am I just a sucker for brotherly sisterly love? The picture is of craig mabbitt and his daughter leila, but I loved it so much I just had to put it. Well I'm gonna go listen to music to cheer me up so chao!)