Re: A chill in the air

66 6 3

Sun, Oct 15, 2017

Subject: A chill in the air

It is still hot here during the day. But all was not balmy in our (our?) little group at church.

Or maybe I'm just imagining it. I haven't been here that long and don't know these people that well. It did seem like a different vibe from last week, but maybe last week was a special occasion, and today is more normal. How would I even know?

Mainly I think I'm so paranoid about Javier being upset with me that I'm reading to much into everything. I didn't think I would care that much. I just met him, and don't have a thing for him or anything. Do I? I didn't think so. It almost seems like I am more interested now that I think I might have blown it with him, than I did - or would have - if that weren't the case.

How can I be this flaky? What is happening to me? I literally just broke up with Levi, with the intention of staying single for a while, and now I'm pining for some new guy, of all things. Even if there was any possibility here, the timing couldn't possibly be right. If the person is right, which is pretty doubtful, then there will be time for it later. Hence, no reason for me to fret.

Well, now I've just exposed you to the little speech I've given myself about fifty times, consecutively. I'd say it goes in one ear and out the other, but that doesn't really work for an internal monologue. So I'm feeding it to you now, so you can feed it back to me, and maybe that will be more effective. Things always sound so rational coming from you. You can break life down into bite-size chunks and distribute it appropriately. I've always admired that.

So, Wise One, I await your pronouncement. Am I crazy? It would be helpful if you could diagnose me with only thinking I am interested in Javier. That way, the illusion would be shattered, and I could go on my merry way. If for some reason that is not possible, then perhaps you could just tell me, from your far-away perspective, what a stupid idea it is. Then maybe it will sink in, and be a little sad for five seconds, and then snap out of it. Either way, just help me!

Ugh. I need more to do. Things seemed so great for a few moments, when I had the job with Alex and the Latin dance class and the dance outings on the weekend, and the few remaining spaces could be filled in with homework or chips at Lupita's. Granted, I missed church most weeks, so that was a downside. But now I feel like there is just too much time left by myself, thinking (or writing to you, which is not much different) and I don't think it's good for me. I was hoping the church group would at least partly fill in those gaps, but now I'm wondering if I've screwed that up, since Javier is kind of the ringleader, and he was noticeably - if coincidentally - cooler with me today.

Pray for me to get over this new bout of stupidity and focus on what really matters. Never before have I gone to church mainly for the social aspect, and while I do think that part is important, it's not my main reason for going. I need to get some perspective. I thought church would help me get it, and now it's what I need perspective on!

Thanks for, once again, enduring my rant. I'd be happy to reciprocate, if you have any. It would be really nice to hear about someone else's problems, rather than my pathetic ones.

Love, your pathetic friend,


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