Don't Judge Me, Judge Yourself Sis

Emotion

I sit and stare at the phone as everything goes mute. The tv in the background sounds muffled and there is a small ringing in my ear. My palms start to sweat and my mouth gets dry all in a matter of seconds. I think I'm literally about to have an anxiety attack. The automated voice message repeats itself, prompting me to make a decision. I'm still frozen in time. Why is Jay in jail? Why is he calling me? How did he get my number? These are questions I need answers to, but do I really need answers. I know what talking to Jay can do to me. He's like a drug and I've been sober for a year now. I decide to make a big girl decision and click back over to Lisa.
"Hello?"
"Yea, hey. Did you need to call me back?"
"Um. No. Um " I start to stutter. "That was Jay"
"Bitch what?" Lisa said shocked.
"Bitch yes"
"I heard he was in jail "
"You heard what ?!" I pause. "What do you mean? Why didn't I know this ?"
"First of all, you wanted nothing to do with him. Why would I update you on someone's life you wanted nothing to do with?" Lisa says. She makes a point.
"Ok. True. But how did you know this?" I ask in a suspicious tone.
"Last winter I was hanging with this guy and I rode with him to get some weed. Jay happened to be his weed man. We hung at his house for a lil bit , and smoked." Lisa says casually.
"Okay?" I say as if I'm asking her to continue with the story.
"Well anyway , we left. A few months later I talk to the dude and he brought up Jay. He asked if I knew any other plugs because he was locked up."
"How long ago was this?" I ask, concerned.
"This conversation took place sometime in February"
"So basically he's been in jail since then. It's the end of July. He's been in there for about 5 or 6 months!" I say. I start to feel horrible about not answering that call.
"I wonder what made him call you now?" Lisa asks.
"I wonder how he got my number" I reply.
"Oh. Yea... so like , I may have given him your number when I saw him." Lisa says as her voice trails off.
"Excuse me Bitch?"
"He said he 'lost' your number. I didn't know he never had it! Plus I was high!" Lisa says defending herself.
"But bitch you don't even smoke!" I scream.
"I know, it was my first time!" Lisa whines.
"Ugh. I'm not mad at you, I'm about to talk to you later. My mind is all fucked up now"
"Ok girl. Sorry. Bye" says Lisa. I hang up the phone.
I decide to text Ray, Toni, Lisa, and Tammy a forward message.
Emergency girl talk at 6pm!
After cleaning my house , I get a knock at the door.
"I brought wiiiiine" Toni walks through with a bottle of Chardonnay. "Where the otha hoes at?"
"They're on the way, but you can definitely poor me a glass." I say holding my head in frustration.
"What is going on bitch? Do we need to hide a body?" Toni says laughing hysterically.
"Why is murder the first thing on your mind when I have to talk to you about something important?" I ask rolling my eyes.
"Because that's where my mind goes, duh." Toni says while handing me a glass of wine. There's another knock at the door. I take a sip of my wine and open the door.
"I hope you summoned me here for a good reason you hood booger." Ray says giving me a hug and making his entrance in my house. "Is that Miss Toni I see? Hey bitch !"
"Hey girl, come have a glass of wine darling" Toni says in her English accent.
"Don't mind if I do. I need to wet this pussy." Ray says dramatically licking his lips.
"Are you referring to your mouth?" I ask Ray, laughing.
"Yes Mam" Ray flips his imaginary hair.
"But wait, wouldn't your 'pussy' be your bootyhole?" Toni blurts out.
"For some, yes, but baby girl I'm a whole Top out here. So my booty off limits , ahkay?" We all bust out laughing.
"I thought the more feminine guys were usually bottoms ?" Toni asks
"Baby girl, I have a few things to teach you" Ray replies. There's another knock on the door. As I walk toward the door I can hear Ray explain "the gay scene" from the distance. I answer the door and it's Tammy and Lisa.
"I hope y'all have a meal or something for me because bitch I'm hungry" Tammy says , making her way in.
"We stopped and picked up 2 bottles" Lisa says.
"You mean I picked up 2 bottles after I picked you up Teresa. I asked you to buy one but your ass said you didn't have the money." Tammy says nonchalantly,
"I don't even drink" Lisa says rolling her eyes.
"That's not the point lovely, you don't come to nobodies house empty handed. I don't get you Lisa, your ass never have money but dealing with a different nigga every Thursday. You need to start charging." Tammy makes herself at home. Lisa follows behind her , unbothered by her statement.
"There's pizza on the counter if y'all are hungry" I say to everyone. "Now I know this is a little extra, but I haven't hung with y'all much for the past couple of months and I figured I'd kill two birds with one stone"
"Speaking of stone , you got some weed?" Asks Ray
"Yaaaas, roll up a blunt!" Shouts Toni
"Umm, no. And why would 'stone' remind you of weed?" I ask.
"Uh, Stone , like Stone-r , duh" Ray gives me the "duh" hand motion.
"How about we let Kali talk." says Lisa.
"Shut up hoe" blurts Ray.  He giggles and gives Lisa a playful hug.
"Well, as I was saying. I need some serious advice" I say, gulping down the rest of my glass.
"What's going on Tameka ? You gotta std?" Tammy asks .
"Umm, no." I squint at her.
"A show of hands , who hasn't caught an std this year" Ray raises his hand while looking directly at Lisa. "You go head and raise that hand if you want to and ima chop it right off!" Ray says playfully while everyone laughs.
"Jay called me." I blurted out. 
"Oh my gay hell. What did you just say?" Ray's smile goes cold.
"Yea, he called me." I repeat. 
"Who is this nigga again ?" Toni asks.
"You know, the guy she cheated on Tim with, and had a one night stand with, and fell in love with his dick so she basically had to cut him off or she would have kept fucking him" Tammy says nonchalantly. 
"First of all, technically I didn't cheat on Tim" I say defending myself.
"You did, but continue." Ray says.
"Anyway, that's not the worst part. He called me from jail" I say. The room is suddenly filled with "ooo"s and "biiiiiitch".
"So. What did y'all talk about ? Why did he call?" Toni asks. Everyone leans in as if I'm going to tell them the meaning of life.
"Well , Uh. I didn't accept the phone call "
"AWWWW !" everyone says in unison. 
"You invited me over here to tell me about a conversation you didn't have?" Asks Tammy.
"Well , I figured he'd call again. I'm not sure what I'd do." I say.
"You can start by accepting the phone call" says Lisa. 
"Naw, that's not a good move. Leave that nigga alone." says Toni.
"Yea, you're right. Especially since Tim is moving in with her" says Lisa.
"Tim is doing what ?" asks Toni.
"Yea, Tim is moving in. I figured it would be the next step in our relationship." I say , pouring another glass of wine.
"I feel like you should wait. What's the rush? It's not like he put a ring on your finger girl " says Tammy.
"Naw she worried about that white bitch that be over there." Blurts Toni as she takes another sip of wine.
"What white bitch?" asks Tammy.
"Jessica!" says Ray.  "Tim's Ex"
"Oh , they fuckn " Tammy says nonchalantly.
"Huh?" I say
"I know you not stupid. You think he still not fucking that bitch if she always there?" Tammy asks.
"No. Tim said-"
"Well of course Tim isn't gonna tell you he's fucking her. Don't be naive " Tammy stands up to get a slice of pizza.  Everyone is talking amongst themselves about the situation at hand. I sit and listen to everyone's opinions and just nod my head in agreement. My mind is so clouded now, I don't know what to think. A few hours go by, and we've changed the subject a few times. Tammy tells Toni about her new shop she's opening in another city , and Ray and Lisa are showing each other pics of guys they use to talk to. I look down at my phone and it's already 9:30pm. It dawns on me. Tim was suppose to be here at 8pm. I step away from the group and check my phone. No calls or texts. I pick up my phone and call Tim. No answer. I call again. No answer. I text.
Hey. Are you okay? I text.
Yea. I'm sorry Kali. I'm just not ready. He replies.
Tf you mean you not ready? We had an entire convo about this already! I text.
I know, I just took some time to think about it. I just don't think it's the best idea. He replies.
So instead of telling me this , you stand me up? It looks like you want to stay there so you can still be close to Jessica. I text.
Are you serious ? You seriously believe that? He replies.
You need to choose. It's either me or her. You either move in or I'm done. I text.
So those are seriously my options? He replies.
Yes. Be here by midnight, or don't come back. I text. I walk back toward the group. Everyone is standing up stretching , getting ready to leave. I give out hugs and goodbyes. Toni is the last one to leave.
"Look. Whatever you decide to do, is your decision. It's not about what anyone thinks, it's about what's best for you." says Toni.
"Thanks girl" I smile.
I sit on my couch with my 3rd glass of wine. I look down at my phone and the time is now 11:30pm. As I drink, time goes by. 11:45, 12:00, 12:30, 1:30. At this point , I realize Tim made his decision. It hurts. Maybe Tammy was right. Maybe Tim and Jessica have something going on still. Well that doesn't matter now because as of 12pm midnight, me and Tim are done. I'm not sure if it's the wine , but I instantly start crying. I didn't know that this would hurt like this. He didn't choose me. That's the only thing I could think of. Tim is not only my first real boyfriend, he's my best friend and he didn't choose me. I continue to cry until I pass out asleep on the couch.
The next morning, I'm awaken by a call. My phone rings beneath me.  I look down and it's a number I don't recognize. I answer it.
"This is a call from the Virginia Beach Correctional facility"
Before the prompt can continue , I press "1" to accept the call.
"Hello?" I say softly.
"Hey beautiful" I can hear the smile through his voice. "Long time no speak"
"Hey Jay.." I say awkwardly.
"I know you have a few questions, but I wanted to call and let you know I haven't stopped thinking about you since the day you left me standing at the park." Jay says at a loud whisper.
"You don't want the other inmates to hear you be all mushy huh" I say playfully.
"Shut uuuup." He giggles.
"So..., wassup with the random call. Why now?" I ask.
"Maybe there was something more between us that I didn't realize. I just didn't want to mess up whatever you had going on. If I really cared, I'd want you to be happy." Jay pauses. "Anyway, I'm coming home today. I just have to get a few things in order though."
"What did you do?" I ask.
"I got caught with some weed and a gun. I'm getting time served though. I hired a good lawyer , but he broke my pockets."
"So what's your plan when you get out?" I ask.
"Well first , I need to find a place to stay. I had to get my cousin to put my shit in storage because obviously I couldn't pay my rent in jail, and my baby mom's trippn so I can't stay with her." Jay says with frustration.
"Maybe you can stay with me for a little. Like, until you get on your feet?" This nigga must have some type of mind control because the words just came out my mouth. What am I thinking? Oh well, the invitation is out now.
"Naw I'm good. I don't know how long I could act like a gay dude in your house. Plus, I don't wanna mess things -"
"You have one minute remaining" the automated voice interrupted.
"We broke up. No worries. I'm single. For real this time " I say.
"Oh. Ok, uh, well , can you pick me up from here? Today, around 530pm?" Jay asks trying to speed up the conversation for this last minute.
"I'll be there" I say. The phone hangs up. I stand up from the couch and my stomach is in knots. I immediately feel nauseous and run to the bathroom. I vomit. I think I had too many glasses of wine last night. Also, for some reason I feel really nervous. I hear a knock on the door. I walk towards it and it's Toni.
"Girl you look like shit. You got any pads? I know our fucking periods are in sync so you should have 1 you can spare a bitch." Toni let's herself in.
"Umm, actually I don't. I need to buy some. I haven't came on yet." I reply.
"What do you mean , you haven't come on yet ? Toni stops in her tracks.
"No. It's not what you're thinking bitch. I was late last month. I honestly just think it's stress." I say rolling my eyes.
"Mmmhm. I was going to say something before , but I figured it was nothing." Toni says.
"About what?" I ask.
"You've gained a lil weight."
"Seriously , come on. My weight always fluctuates between seasons." I say laughing.
"Yea, but you get fat in the winter, not the summer. This late period, were you spotting?" asks Toni.
"I mean, it was a little lighter than usual , but I still had my period" I say nervously.
"And look, you're glowing!" Toni shouts.
"I'm oily! I'm literally wearing last nights make up"
"And your breath stinks. You just threw up didn't you? Didn't you?" Toni asks laughing hysterically. "Morning sickness " she sang.
"No, it's called Chardonnay " I reply.
"Mm mm mm, you just been drowning your baby in liquor. It's gon come out retarded as shit" Toni laughs as I look at her with a straight face. "Look, if anyone knows anything about being pregnant it's me. I have 3 of them mother fuckers" Toni says heading out the door. "I'd still take a pregnancy test, just incase" Toni walks away smirking.
Toni plays entirely too much. I know damn well I'm not pregnant. There's no way, but I'll still take a pregnancy test for confirmation. I'll put that on my to-do list.
I finally get myself up, and shower. I straighten up my room and head out the door to run a few errands. I didn't even get a chance to tell Toni about Jay staying with me because of that stupid pregnancy talk. I'd know if there was a thing growing inside me right? Like, don't you have some sort of maternal instinct that says "there's a fetus in your belly". During my errands I decide to pick up a pregnancy test anyway while grocery shopping. Better safe than sorry.
After coming home and putting the groceries away, I look at my phone.
"Oh shit, it's almost 6pm" I was suppose to meet Jay at 5:30pm. I rush to my car and head out toward the jail.
As I pull up, I see a familiar face standing in the distance.
"Get in loser, we're going shopping " I say as I pull up in front of Jay.
"Really?" Jay shakes his head smiling.
"No not really, I just always wanted to say that." I say , as Jay sits in the passenger seat.
"Mean girls right?" Jay asks.
"Exactly!" I reply excited. "I'm surprised you knew that"
"Not something I'm proud of but hey" Jay shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly.
"So , do I need to take you to get some things or something , or ?" I ask.
"Actually, my cousin is out of town, and all my clothes are in storage. He'll be back tomorrow though." Jay says. Every time he speaks, I feel electricity through my body. He looks even better than when I first saw him. More rugged. "So I guess that means I'll have to walk around naked until I get my clothes." He says the words so nonchalantly.
"Or I could throw the clothes you have on, in the washer. That's typically what normal people do" I say rolling my eyes.
"Eh, you're no fun" he replies.
We finally pull up to my house, and I put my car in park.
"De ja vu" says Jay.
"Shut up" I respond.
We walk into the house and Jay heads upstairs.
"You mind if I jump in the shower? Jail isn't the best place to be for someone who's a germaphobe like myself"
"Make yourself at home" I respond.
As he makes his way to the bathroom, I reach into the bag with the pregnancy test. I go into the downstairs bathroom and read the directions. "So basically, I just pee on the stick like they do on tv shows and movies." I say to myself. "Well, here it goes" I take the test out and pee on it. After peeing on it, I set it on the counter to wait for results. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. I get up from the toilet to answer it. I answer the door, and it's Tim. This is literally Tim's 3rd door appearance. You'd think I'd be mildly prepared for this, but I never am. I'm so upset with him, his arrival doesn't phase me.
"Most people ask before popping up at someone's house" I say in a straight tone. "You're a day too late, you made your choice. Bye Tim." I try to shut the door and he stops it with his foot.
"Hear me out Kali" Tim says, his voice shaking.
"You have 1 minute"
"I understand why you're upset. You think I don't want to take this step, but that's not it. You know I had been with Jessica since High School and she broke my heart. Played me. This started happening once we moved in together. I just didn't want you to switch up on me the way she did, so I was scared. But I had to realize you're no Jessica. I don't want you out of my life Kali. I'm ready to take every step with you, and to prove that .." Tim bends on one knee. "Kali, will you forever be my best friend. Will you marry me?"
"So you gon let me taste that pussy shawty?" Jay shouts from the edge of the steps.
Fuck.