I'm Fine

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I'm probably overreacting to his words. They were just that, words. Although, I had read somewhere that behind every 'I'm joking' is a little bit of truth.

No. I'm most definitely overreacting.

It was just a joke that Gunner thought would be funny, nothing more. He didn't mean it.

He doesn't know.

So then why is my heart beating so fast in my chest? I feel like I just got caught with my hand in the cookie jar and I haven't done anything.

I need to calm down before I have a panic attack for no reason. That will surely be a give away that something is wrong.

Gunner jumps out of the car the second I put it into park. His head rolling on his shoulders as he does his 'pre-party' warm up.

"Ready to Paaarrrtaaayy?!" He throws his hands in the air and begins to move like he is belly dancing.

Is he drunk already? It looks awkward as he moves towards the back of Caleb's house.

"Yeah" I mumble following behind him through the back gate.

Caleb has a a huge backyard and an awesome fire pit his dad built when he was little.

We used to come out here and roast marshmallows for s'mores. Sleep in a tent that his dad would pitch for us.

Now there are teens practically dry humping to the music. Oh how the times have changed.

"I'm gonna get a drink!" Gunner shouts over the music of some techno song.

I don't respond as he walks away, pushing through the crowds. It seems like the whole school came for the party.

How did he spread the word so fast?

Cheers from the corner catch my attention. A full game of flip cup is in full swing. The teams cheering as two kids from football team chug their beers.

"B! Great game!" A hand is slapped on my shoulder and I come face to face with Miles Armstrong, captain of the varsity soccer team.

My heart picks up in my chest as I look into his sea green eyes. His hand like fire, warming my skin through my shirt.

"Thanks Miles. I heard you guys are headed to state." I say, trying to sound anything but flustered.

A smirk crosses his face as he takes a drink from his red solo cup.

He is so freaking good looking it isn't fair. His lean muscle is stretched perfectly over his 6'1 frame. His dark hair is tousled on top of his jead and the little dimple on his right cheek is testing my will power.

"Yeah, total luck. Penalty goal that won." He laughs running is hand through his hair.

My eyes unconsciously following the movement of his toned arms, admiring the veins that travel the length.

"Hey babe. Hey Brandon, great game." the familiar red head wraps her arms around Miles stomach pulling him close to her.

A pang of jealously pumps through me, but I have to remember that she is technically his girlfriend. I have no right to be jealous.

"Hey Bridget." It's not really heartfelt but if she noticed she didn't say anything.

She stands on her tip toes and captures his lips with hers. I look away, pretending that something caught my attention.

This overwhelming feeling of disappointment turning my stomach is why they call it a crush.

It's meant to hurt and it does.

But I didn't ask for this! I didn't ask to  feel things for him, especially when he won't ever return the feelings.

Why do feelings have to get involved and complicate everything? Why can't I just think of Miles as friend I met at basketball tryouts freshman year.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Unless of course, Miles was interested in being moreBut then I would have to come out -

Stop it Brandon, get a grip! 

This is exactly what crushes want from us. To spin reality to make us think we stand a chance so that it hurts that much more when we fall.

I notice Miles moving his hands down Bridget's back, His slender fingers gripping her hips as he pulls her impossibly closer to him.

It's like a knife to my heart and I can't stand to watch anymore. I quietly step away from the pg-13 make out session, not really wanting to witness it anymore.

I scold myself for agreeing to be a designated driver tonight. I don't drink but right now I just want to grab a cup of whatever and forget Miles and his stupid adorable dimple.

"There you are!" an arm interlinks with mine as Cara's over sugary voice purrs in my ear.

She swings her body in front of mine, moving her hands so that they wrap around my neck. Her fingers playing with the hair that sits on the nape of my neck as she bites her lower lip.

"Cara, are you drunk?" I ask as I unclasp her hands from my neck and taking a small step back. But she just steps closer.

One of her hands strokes my chest as the other grips a fistful of my shirt. She looks up at me through her lashes, her body pressing closer to mine with every breath she takes. I'm not sure what to do with my hands.

Am I supposed to wrap them around her shoulders? I don't want to lead her on and that makes  this all the more uncomfortable for me.

"Dance with me" She whispers, moving her hips against mine to the tempo.

My heart begins to race in my chest, but not in excitement, in nerves. Gunner's words repeating in my head and once again I realize that I am overthinking too much. I am so paranoid that my secret will get out that I am freaking out over the smallest things.

Maybe this is the best way to get my mind off of everything? Just shut out everything else and dance. I can escape reality and pretend that I'm fine and normal. My body begins to move to the music, stiffly at first but I begin to loosen up.

In this moment, it doesn't matter that Cara is all over me. It doesn't matter that her body feels wrong pressed against mine. 

It doesn't matter that I am pretending she is actually Miles.

<3 <3 <3 <3

        ❤ You're Beautiful

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