One Last Miracle [complete]

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two days...

"You need to leave."

I don't move.

"Visiting hours are over."

Blinking one eye open, I glare at the nurse—daring her to kick me out. Because that's what it's going to take. I'm not leaving James' side for even a second. She's a different nurse to the one that's been in and out of the room in the past week.

Her gaze levels with mine and she must see the grim determination in my eyes because she swallows looking away. "Just be quiet, alright."

To be honest, I expected there to be more of a fight. I'm grateful nonetheless. Knowing that this is putting her job on the line to break hospital policy I say, "Thank you."

She nods, offering a small smile. Then discreetly as she came in, she leaves, closing the door behind her.

Alone once more with James I consider what I should say. I've said it all already, at his bed site every day since that first one. I'm beginning to wonder if he thinks I'm a CD on replay, because I'm sure I've repeated things so many times. Three words, specifically. Three words that have become painful. Three words that will be ingrained in my memory forever.

And hopefully his.

James' condition hasn't improved much, but it hasn't gotten any worse either. According to the doctors, it's usual for this sort of thing. Reassurances happen often. In their secret language and silence communication, though, it's clear that they think otherwise. Two rooms down, I'm sure there's someone else in the same position as us, going through the same pain.

Everyone who works here is used to it. For them, they simply repeat the same routine each day they come to work.

I wish I could act that way; find a way to make this all easier. The more time passes, the worse the anxiety gets. Hope fades by the second.

"I had a dream last night," I say to James. "Not a nightmare—because I've been having a lot of those lately. We were both there. Jeremy too. It wasn't heaven, but at the same time it was. It didn't matter anyway. We were there. We were happy. There was a mistletoe. You kissed me underneath it, over and over, while Jeremy complained in the background. Kaiser was there too, entertaining himself with some sticks on the ground."

I count the beeps of the machine.

"It felt so real. In my head, when I woke up I'd see you there, smiling down at me. Except then I actually woke up—and you weren't there. Reality came back. It made me realise how much I miss you. I see you every day that I'm here, but you're not you."

One, two, three. On, two, three.

"I'm supposed to have my leg amputated in a few days." My laugh is dry. "It's probably bad to say, but only part of me actually cares at this point. I'm not even scared, if I'm honest. People get around with prosthetics all the time. I forgot I had cancer the other day—and that's not even a lie. I just forgot. It should've been something to celebrate—but all I was thinking about was you, lying here."

I smooth the sheets over his shoulders, tucking in the corners. "I'd trade places in a heartbeat," I whisper, ghosting my hand over his forehead. "It's so wrong that it's you here. It should be me. I don't know how you did it towards the beginning; I don't know how you could stand seeing me on the hospital bed."