I Need You

Chapter Twelve : "Mommy Loves You, Karson."

Zoë Elliot

You ever continue to do something even though you know it's wrong? You can't stop because either the feeling is remarkable or you just like doing things that are wrong, even though it's going to hurt yourself and the person or persons you love in the long run.

That's exactly what I was doing. I couldn't stop now though. I was too deep in a different phase. Kind of a more happy phase.

                Methrone's Bed 2 The Floor begin playing throughout Duke's apartment he shared with his roommate, Kev, who's not here at the moment. Duke wasn't really paying me any mind due to him trying to do his school work. It was going on ten o'clock that night and I definitely was in the mood for something I haven't had in a while.

"If you're not done by now, you're not going to get done, bro." I laughed, crawling to the end of his bed.

He looked up from his textbook, over at me. He slowly licked over his bottom lip before rolling over to me in his rolling chair.

"How about you worry about yourself." He faked a smile, then looked back at his textbook.

I removed the textbook out of his hands, closing it and throwing it on the floor. He let out a low chuckle before looking back at me.

"What you want, lil bit?"

My first choice was to say "you", but I went against and decided to just throw hints. I know this is wrong but.. I can't help it.

"Nothing. I like your shirt." I said, while staring at his lips.

"You like my shirt or lips? Because my lips are what you're staring at." He licked over them which caused me to look up at his glossy eyes.

"Get over yourself." I tried to remove myself from his bed but he pulled me to him.

"Wassup with you lately? You feeling me or something?" He studied me, trying to read me.

I didn't say a word which I guess gave him the answer he was looking for because he started smiling before he looked down.

It was a long stare between us for a minute until he brought his face closer to mine, leading us into a kiss. I closed my eyes, feeling the softness of his plump lips. Oh God.

My arms made it around his neck while his inch their way on the bed for support as I tried to ease us backwards. Our lips never left contact all while he was hovering over me. I felt like we were about to go farther, until...

"Bruh, no," he rolled over off of me. "You have a whole nigga back home. That'll be some foul shit, Zo."

A whole nigga that I haven't seen nor talked to in three months. To be honest, I don't even know if I still have that "nigga" as mine. When you can't contact anyone and when they don't want you to contact them, what are you suppose to do?

"I haven't seen him since I left Mississippi. He doesn't want me anymore."

He looked over at me, just staring at me for a long time. I was about to get up to leave out of his room but once again, he grabbed my arm and brought me closer to him. And this is exactly when I saw lust in his eyes which made me know that he wants me just as much as I want him.

"You know how long I've been trying to get with you? I'm not gone even lie, I'm glad you gave another nigga a chance besides me because I fucked up our first time. I put another female before you for no reason. After that, I knew you was suppose to be mine, bruh,"

"I feel like we'll always be connected from the first time we made love to the first time we said we love each other. This "oh that's my bestfriend." shit is getting to me especially since I want to be more than best friends. I want you, baby."

I looked at him, wrapping my brain around everything that just came out his mouth. I couldn't adjust this because it was unexpected. He was so good at hiding his true feelings that I didn't imagine him really wanting me.

"I want you too." I replied back, not really sure if I meant it just yet.

He smiled, pulling my chin forward to him. Our lips met once again, but this time it never stopped. It didn't stop while taking each others clothing off and it definitely didn't stop while making love. And it felt like our very first time again, wow.

"Jedediah." I moaned softly in his ear, enjoying every inch of him.

"You feel so good, baby." He placed a few kisses on my neck, satisfying me to the fullest.

And right then and there is when my life changed forever. My daughter was indeed made on that night. A night I won't ever forget even if I tried.

All of these flashbacks have been making me forget that I'm on the edge of holding onto life, that I was just in a severe car wreck and I'm in a state of unconsciousness. I haven't heard anything but my thoughts and the last thing I can remember is myself saying "i'm sorry."

I want my daughter. I want and need to see her now. I miss her so much just thinking about her growing up without her mother. I'm trying my best to hold on just for her sake. If it wasn't for her, I would have been gave up.

Just knowing you hurt so many people isn't something you want on your hands. They see you as a different person, hell I don't think they even love you anymore.

But God if I don't make it, just please transfer this to my sweet, dearest daughter.

Dear Karson Grey Hawkins,

     My sweet, beautiful, smart daughter. I knew the day you were born you was going to have me wrapped around your fingers. Mommy always go out of her way to make sure you taken good care of and you have no care in the world even at a young age. You bring so much happiness to me and your father baby girl. You're just so bubbly and full of joy that brings me joy.

Your little sassy ways always make me laugh because it reminds me of myself when I was growing up. Your grandmother will always say you're a little replica of me which I can see now. From you never like to be around people to you love helping others.

If mommy doesn't make it through this, just know I will always going to be by your side in spirit. Don't give your father a hard time, baby. I know he's going to take well care of you. Mommy's sorry for all the bad things she's done. Please don't be like me when you grow up, be better than me. Okay? Mommy loves you, Karson.

Love Mommy.

Forever my baby girl. 💙

__________________
because i don't like italicized flashbacks, the flashback will begin were you see an index and it will be self explanatory when it ends. hope y'all are having a good day!