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Alex called. I didn't answer. I don't even know what to say to him. But then there are moments when I seem to have so much I could say to him.  

I'm not sure I've ever found out something this messed up about someone I was this close to.  If it were another girl in this situation and I heard about it, I'd be certain she would never want to see or hear from him again.

But that's not the case. I am crushed, shocked, horrified, disappointed, and disgusted. I alternately want to scream at him, slap him, shove him, and give him the silent treatment. I want to see him grovel, cry, and offer endless apologies. But I want to see him. 

My first thought was, "At least that's over." I was sure it would finally destroy any emotional connection I have to him. But it didn't. Then I tried to reason myself into severing any romantic ties, but I couldn't. I feel as strongly as I did before, but it's different now. Instead of chaotic warm fuzzies, it's more of a dull ache. If anything it feels stronger now, maybe because I tried to break it and couldn't, maybe because there is more depth to it now. On all those stupid shows they say, "To love is pain." I thought that was preposterous. Now I don't.

I have never learned something this bad, or even close to it, about someone I liked without it totally changing my feelings. By all accounts, it should have. But it didn't. Any crush would have been annihilated. This is no crush. What a crappy way to realize that.

I guess Shakespeare was right: "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds." Even when we wish it would.

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