i got asked to write a Natt, i'm kinda sad, i can't sleep, and i feel like writing for once so, here ya go
The snow crunched under my boots with every step I took. My heavy breath sent clouds of white through the chilly winter air. The sky was grey, covered with several blankets of January clouds, not a single speck of sunlight shining through to warm the surface of the earth. I slid my hands deep into the pockets of my fall jacket. I definitely regretted not bundling up for the cold Canadian weather, but to be fair, I wasn't expecting to be out long. I wasn't expecting to start walking around the town mindlessly.
I came to a small bridge, just over a large creek that ran through the town. Despite the cold weather, a small stream of water still ran, filling the silent air with a trickling sound. I leaned against the railing as I looked down at the water. I sighed and closed my eyes.
I can't imagine what life would be like if things hadn't gone wrong. I find myself constantly making up scenarios of how some days would be so much different if I had just talked things out. There's so much I regret doing, so much i regret not doing.
I wish things were different.
I lost myself in my thoughts. Thinking of all the things I missed. Everything I wish I had done that would have made things different. I never knew I could blame myself so much, even if it wasn't entirely my fault. But truth be told, I miss him.
I miss the way he talked to me, how he used cute pet names, and what he'd do to make me smile. His late night calls when he couldn't sleep, or even when he just wanted to hear my voice. I miss his good morning texts, his random visits, and bear strength hugs. He was always there for me, always a shoulder to cry on... but now he's gone.
I lost the best thing to ever happen to me. He gave up everything and anything to be with me, but I didn't give him anything close to that. I thought I tried my best, but now that he's gone, I know I could've done more. I wish I would've done more.
You never know what you have until it's gone.
Memories of his body against mine flooded my brain as a gust of wind pierced its way through my jacket. I began to miss him even more, wishing I had him to warm me up. Wishing I could press my lips against his, and feel the love he never failed to give.
The only thing left behind are old pictures and videos, none of which I bring myself to look into. I think of him and my heart flutters, first of love, then of pain. I know he'd hate me even more if he knew the things that run through my mind. I can't help that I miss him, it's not like I haven't tried to forget him.
I always hope for a second chance, but the chances of that are about as low as winning the lottery. Probably even lower.
"I just miss him" I whispered aloud.
"M-Matt?" A shivering voice awoke behind me, I twisted around, nearly jumping out of my skin.
Neil stood before me, a sight I thought I'd never see again. My heart stopped as I took in the moment, I wanted to say so much, to explain everything, yet my mouth stayed frozen unwilling to let anything out. Our eyes locked, and I so desperately wanted to be in his arms, but I wasn't going to throw myself at him, that was the last thing I had in mind.
"What are you doing out here? It's a little cold to just be in a light jacket."
I shrugged my shoulders, unable to speak. I felt tears well up in my eyes, and I tried so desperately hard to hold them back, but one found it's way through, and slipped down my cheek. Neil's expression softened and he stepped closer to wipe the liquid away. He didn't say anything else as he embraced me in a hug, and just like that, they fell as if they were training to be Niagara Falls. I hated crying in front of him because it made me feel so vulnerable. But let's be honest, around him, I'm about as vulnerable as vulnerable can be. I'd do anything he wanted me to, so long as I got to be with him.
Neil pulled out of the hug and held my face in his hands, his eyes staring into my own.
"I miss you" he spoke quietly. Then he did the unthinkable and pulled me into a kiss.
And nothing—nothing—in the world could have ruined that moment.