So last night I got upset because my friend told me how to do something with UTAU and kinda called me an asshole for not looking up tutorials for it. I stopped talking in the chat and turned on DnD and just went to my bed and cried. Of course, as per usual, I posted things about it on my wall here.
This morning, I scrolled through the chat and saw that nobody had noticed I was gone. So I opened with that basically. And then I told everyone about my depression stuff last night, which was a big mistake.
They eventually started saying that this was for attention. And I agreed. It was for attention. I even said in my rant last night that it was.
Eventually, I left the chat. Later, I told my friends this in a different chat.
Really, all of this is just because I want attention from people. I want people to message me and see if I'm okay. I want to be noticed. I just like people seeing me and knowing that I exist.
This dates back to about a year ago when I did YouTuber fanart just for retweets. I did fan art of Chadtronic one time and when he didn't see it, I tweeted this at him.
I hate that I did this now. It hurts to think I was like that. But, it seems like I haven't even changed.
During the conversation, one of my friends asked if I actually had depression or if I was self diagnosed. It kinda shocked me at first when I read this, but thinking about it, she was right to question this. Why would people think I have depression? It makes total sense to think I was lying.
I actually have been professionally diagnosed with major depressive disorder and have been hospitalized twice for it, but if you don't want to believe this, that's completely fine. I totally get why you'd think I'm lying.
Honestly, because of this, I've been thinking about taking a hiatus from Vocaloid Amino. I'm addicted to that app. I was even the most active user one day. I use it all the time. Even in class. It's pretty much my life now. I think I just need to take a break. But it's kinda hard to because I don't like to not check my feed and see what people are posting. I hate not being on it because I feel like I'm missing some things. But I may force myself not to use it.
I just feel like a horrible person and friend. This kinda goes back to the guilt tripping stuff in my last rant (I'm probably gonna post it in here). I say I don't want to do that stuff, yet I think I kinda am doing it.
I'll try to stop this. If I ever get depressed, I'm not going to tell anyone. That seems like a bad thing, but I always just hurt everyone by saying anything. I'm going to get over it, and come back and just be the normal happy person I always am. I hope I can stop being an attention whore.
I'm not gonna edit this. Please ignore spelling and grammar errors.
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Allison is a Bag of Salt (Vent, Salt, and Rant Book)
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