Chapter 30

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Katniss P.O.V.

I clench and unclench my hands as I wait for Coin to enter the room. It's the only way that I can keep myself form pouncing on her the second she walks through that door.

When she finally walks through the door, I can't even look at her.

"I think an apology is in order," Coin says as she walks through the door. I dig my fingernails into the armrests of the chair.

"You think?" I ask her through gritted teeth.

"That hovercraft was not supposed to land in the Capitol."

I scoff. "You're nothing but a liar. And, anyways, do you think that that's what I'm the most angry about?"

"That was not my fault," Coin says as she sits down across from me.

"If you hadn't  sent Peeta, he wouldn't have gotten shot."

"I sent Peeta to the Capitol because he passed all of his tests and evaluations. If I decided not to send him because there was a chance he'd get shot, then I wouldn't have an army."

I take a deep breath. "You knew what all Peeta had been through. You had to know that there was a chance that he'd get worse if he were to get shot or something."

"It was a risk I was willing to take."

"At the expense of my husband!" I say angrily as I slam my hand down on top of the table.

"It was Snow's Peacekeeper who shot Peeta. Not me."

"I know that!"

"You're acting like I pulled the trigger."

"You put Peeta in harm's way."

"All of my soldiers are in harm's way," Coin says calmly.

"But Peeta is not like the other soldiers."

"Because he's your husband?"

"No!" I say forcefully. "He was tortured by Snow. He wasn't the same after he was rescued, and now that he's been shot, it'll be worse. And that's if he wakes up."

I feel like I'm repeating myself. Will Coin ever understand that I don't blame her for Peeta getting shot? I blame her for putting him out in the battlefield where something like this was bound to happen, after he had already been tortured and had been through enough already.

"You can't blame me for everything," Coin says calmly.

"I know that," I tell her. "But you have to take responsibility for your actions. You're not innocent."

I stand up out of my chair and turn to face Coin one last time before speaking through gritted teeth.

"You're no better than Snow."

Then I leave the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm just about to fall asleep when someone starts knocking on the door. I sigh and slowly push myself up off the bed. The baby protests with a hard kick, and I wince.

"It's okay," I whisper. "Momma just has to see who's at the door."

I go over and open the door to see Gale standing there.

"I came to say goodybye," Gale tells me.

I give him a look. "Goodbye? Why?"

"I'm being sent back out to the Capitol in the morning."

"Oh," I say, not really knowing what else to say.

"You gonna be okay?" Gale asks me.

I nod my head, but it quickly turns to a no as tears fall down my cheeks.

Gale opens his arms, and I hesitate a moment before walking over to him.

"I'm so tired," I say. "The kind of tired that you can't sleep off. I want to go to sleep and never wake up."

"Katniss, don't say that."

"It's true," I sob. "I'm so sick and tired of this. I feel like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions. Everybody's telling me what to do or how to feel, and I don't need that. I need someone to give me advice, not commands. I just need someone to listen."

"Well, I'm listening," Gale tells me.

I smile up at him and wipe the tears off of my cheeks.

"I appreciate that," I tell him truthfully. "But shouldn't you be going if you leave in the morning?"

Gale shrugs his shoulders. "Probably. But I'm here now if you need me."

I take a deep breath. "I just want to have something stable for once. Something permanent."

"That's not the way life works, Katniss."

"I know," I say softly. "But it doesn't hurt to wish that things could be different, does it? It just seems like I'm destined to eventually be stripped of everything that makes me happy."

"You're not the only one," Gale says. "This is war, Katniss. There aren't too many people who are very happy."

"There's some people who are finding happiness in all of this chaos," I say. "Take Prim, for example. She's been so happy helping out at the hospital."

"Yeah. But inside she's not all that happy. She's so worried about you."

I look up at Gale. "She told you that?" He nods his head.

"And I bet that everybody else who you see smiling are really fighting just to keep their emotions in check. Katniss, you're not alone. Trust me. They might not know exactly how you feel or what you're going through, but there's other people who feel so miserable that they just want to give up.

"You're stronger than that, Katniss. You have to just keep going and keep the people you're fighting for in the front of your mind. If nothing else helps, just remember this. That baby is counting on you, Katniss."

I feel a few tears fall down my cheeks.

"If you think that there's nothing else to live for or nothing for you to be happy about, think about your son or daughter."

"Daughter," I say. "We're going to name her Willow."

Gale gives me a sad smile.

"See?" he says. "You're going to be a Mom to a little girl. Doesn't that excite you?"

I nod my head. "Of course it does. But it scares me too. I can't do this without Peeta. I can't raise a baby by myself. And I know Mom won't help me."

"Don't worry about it," Gale says. Peeta's going to be okay. And even if something we're to happen to him, you wouldn't have to be alone." He looks me right in the eyes when he says this, and it feels like I'm having an inner battle with myself.

The pregnant, hormonal side of me wants to yell at Gale. At first, it sounds like Gale just admitted that he's waiting for Peeta to die so he can win me over. Then, the rational side of me kicks in, and I realize that Gale's just trying to help.

I give Gale a tight smile and nod my head.

"I know," I say quietly.

"I'd better go," Gale says.

I nod my head. "Just promise me one thing."

"What's that?" Gale asks me.

"If you get the chance, I want you to kill Snow for me."

Gale nods his head. "Consider it done."

"Gale?"

"Yeah?"

"Make it slow," I tell him. "I want Snow to suffer."

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