His back was turned to his chamber door when it slammed against the wall behind it and her voice boomed, he didn't acknowledge her with any words for a moment, he only breathed in deeply and silently turned to her. His guilt ate away at him when he saw her enraged face glaring back at him in agony.
"Robb told you." Jon's first words did not seem to satisfy her in the slightest, and she bit her lip to stop herself from crying. Jon's heart ached as did hers, he felt terrible about the fact that he had submerged her into this morose state.
"Yes, Robb told me. He had to tell me because you didn't!" Jon's cringe at her scream only made her even more enraged. "How could you be so stupid? The Night's Watch is a lifetime vow and it cannot be broken!"
"I know that, Rayne." he moved closer to her and as he neared her, he noticed that she was shaking in asperity. His mind wandered back to when he was nine and Rayne had fallen from her horse and dislocated her arm. Never had he seen her so anguished, never until now. Little did he know, the pain that he gave her was thousands of times worse than any physical affliction. Wounds heal, but ones on the heart remain for as long as the sun sets in the west and rises in the east.
"And what about me? We won't ever see each other again, do I mean nothing to you?" her eyebrows were furrowed and resembled her concentrated face. Jon nearly smiled, but thought twice before he did knowing it would only fan the flame. He was reminded of when they would fight and he would find her in the library so he could apologise. He'd find her reading a book, eyes focusing and drawing a picture that every word spoke of in her mind, with the expression she had now on like a mask. She would try not to allow her emotions control her, but her face always gave away her feelings despite her best efforts.
"You mean everything to me! Gods, why can't you ever understand that?" Jon's sweaty palms ran through his charcoal curls in an irked gesture and Rayne guffawed sardonicly, rolling her eyes and folding her arms below her breasts.
"I mean everything to you? Is that why you are sentencing yourself to a life of purely duty and honor but no love? A life of chastity and a life, more importantly, that does not add me into the equation?"
"Yes! You are leaving for the capital. I do not want to hold you back from any decisions you must make and I don't want to be stuck in a castle with Lady Catelyn who loathes my existence. Rayne, you must understand that I cannot stay here with all of the memories of you and not be with you. It would be absolute torture and no man should have to endure that kind of pain." Jon trailed closer to the livid girl in front of him.
His own hands trembled now as he reached out to her, almost grabbing her wrist until she picked up a vase that sat on the nearby dresser. Her movement was so quick, so sudden, that he barely saw it happen, but she threw the vase violently against the wall and it shattered everywhere. Shards fluttered to the ground like snow and shimmered in the twilight that shone through the window.
"That's the problem with men, they only are concerned with the type of pain that they must suffer through. Men do not care that women must endure so much more than they can ever imagine." It was she who stepped forward and placed her hands on his shoulders. By now, tears fell from her eyes and glistened on her cheeks. "Jon, please stay. I won't leave to the capital, I will stay here with you and we can run away. Just you and me in a small cottage in the village. We can l-"
"Rayne, I need you to stop." he silenced her and placed his hands on her waist. "We can't be together. You know that and you have always known it."
Rayne shook her head vigorously and shut her eyes as more tears left a flood of trails down her cheeks and landed on the ground, wetting the old dry stone. "You are going to be whisked away by some lord. You're going to have children and live a good life, a life that I cannot give you. Please, do not mistake this as selfishness. I am doing this all for you, you must believe me. I love you and I want your happiness more than anything."
"There it is. The 'I love you' that I knew was bound to be spoken. Love is just a thing men use to enchant women, it's just a game. If you really loved me then you wouldn't be making the biggest mistake of your life."
Jon was taken aback by her words. She couldn't truly believe that he didn't love her, he thought. He was in denial about the fact that Rayne couldn't fathom the idea of love. A girl who has been loved her whole life can't grasp the idea that she mattered to others. He felt his guilt devouring him whole, slowly and painfully, and knowing that he once again broke her into pieces made him hate himself more than he hated being a bastard. As her heart fell, his jumped with it.
"Rayne, I've made my mind up and nothing will change it. Please don't let us fight with each other on our last night together." his warm hands cupped her hot cheeks and wiped away the tears as best he could. Her hand grabbed his wrist and she leaned into his palm, sadly losing herself in his touch.
"Why are you so stupid?" Rayne kissed his palm before hugging him. All of her emotion was poured into his trust and touch, and he felt all of this radiating from her.
He allowed his arms to tightly wrap around her, encasing her like a secret that he never wanted to disclose. He breathed her in and pressed a kiss into her hair, feeling her body writhe with sobs. He was already starting to regret his decision and knowing that he wouldn't be able to feel her touch everyday for the rest of his life troubled him so, but he believed that it was best. He couldn't have her heart, but not be with her. He couldn't see her in the arms of another man without wanting to die of jealousy. And finally, he couldn't just love her from afar. He wanted to scream his affection for her from the top of the broken tower, but alas, even the loudest words fell short. There weren't enough words in all of the Seven Kingdoms for him to describe his heart's desire for her, and even if there were, there were too many prying eyes for him to be able to hold her like he wanted.
He was a bastard by blood and name, no woman would want to soil their own family name by entertaining the idea of a courtship. Rayne, although she was so different from every other woman, couldn't entertain the idea either. With Lady Catelyn's influence, she would sooner see Jon exiled before she allowed it. He knew this by memory, and he knew that Rayne knew it as well. Their relationship would only ever be platonic and soon, with recent circumstances, a thing of the past. He could live with this, or so he thought to himself. The memories of the stolen kisses in the darkened corridors could still send his mind into a frenzy, even decades from now. Her dragonstone colored hair could be remembered tickling his face while they held each other, enclosing each other in a warmth that could be felt by no other. Yet, it would all have to be just a memory, and that would have to be enough.
It all seemed silly, he thought. He was but a young boy, barely a man, and he already felt a love so deep that it shook him to his core. Whether or not she felt as deeply for him as he did her was lost on him, but her smile often reassured him. And there it was, the thing that he would miss the most. That radiant smile that he had the pleasure of witnessing more often than not would leave the largest wound in his heart when they parted at dawn. Rayne's eyes wrinkling and her eyebrows furrowing was all part of her beauty, and that smile. That accursed smile. "It will all work out, just trust me."
YOU ARE READING
Winter Is ComingRomance
"You deserve a Lord, not a bastard." Jon's voice was raspy and made his sleep deprivation and exhaustion apparent. "Do I not get some say in what I deserve?" Rayne grimaced at the pain in her abdomen. The bed sank a bit as Jon sat down next to Rayne...