I'm shocked by the way Clara's dealing with John's death. Like, her dad just died and the day after, she agreed to play games and get drunk? Even now, only a week later, she is laughing and talking on the sofa with Louis and Liam. How? Even Harry is more upset than she is. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for her that she's finally found another way to deal with her problems, but...I feel like she's being a little insensitive. I walk over to Harry, who's sitting on the stairs of his and Louis's flat, and plop down beside him.
"You okay?" I ask him. He nods, but in a mechanical, zombie-like way. "No, you're not. Talk to me, Harry."
"I just...I don't understand," Harry admits. "I was expecting Clara to be absolutely devastated about John dying, not that I wanted her to be, but that's what I was expecting. Instead, she's laughing and being nice and drinking, while I feel like time is passing as slowly as it possibly can."
"I know how you feel," I agree. "I feel like even I am more upset about John than Clara is."
"You probably are," Harry tells me truthfully. I nod.
"I know. I just don't get it," I sigh. "I just hope that she's not just pretending. I hope she's not holding in all her feelings."
Liam says something and Louis laughs. I laugh. Louis shoves me playfully, I grin and shove back. I feel like a fucking machine, always following orders. The truth is, I just don't know how to even begin to explain what I'm feeling. I'm in so much pain on the inside. But I remind myself that I need to remember what my mom always used to tell me.
"Life's for the living, Clara. I know I'm sick right now, but you're not. You need to go out, live your life. Don't stay here. Don't let me hold you back from reaching your full potential, sweetheart. If you're not going to live life, what's the point in breathing at all?"
She's right, I realize. Life is for the living. So it's my duty to live it, or I'm better off dead. Then the greatest idea comes to my mind. I need to sing. It's decided, then. I'm going to write a song to get over this. I'm going to follow my mom's advice. I resume recording my first EP album next week, so maybe I can finish a song by then. God, when did I become a character from Glee? I snap back to reality, and laugh at whatever Louis just said. I can't wait for everyone to just leave.
In all honesty, I'm almost offended. How is she laughing right now? Her dad, my godfather, just died only a week ago. She's laughing. I mean, of course I'm glad that she's not completely shutting down, but I do wish that she would take this a little more serious...People say that when you're a celebrity, you shouldn't show that you're upset. That you should always at least pretend to be happy. If that's true, then maybe Clara is more fit for this lifestyle than I am. I refuse to not show any negative emotion just because I have fans who "look up to me". I just don't know when Clara and I switched positions. I honestly don't even know why people look up to me anyway. What have I ever done to deserve that? Nothing.
Clara laughs at something that Louis says and I try to refrain from rolling my eyes or yelling at her. I want to punch someone. Instead I clench my fists and let out a sigh of frustration. Tyler pats my back comfortingly from her place beside me on the steps. I stare at Clara, waiting for any sign that she's faking it. Nothing. Ugh. I don't even know what to do. I just want to shout at everyone to get the fuck out.
I'm pleasantly surprised by Clara's sudden uplifting mood. I don't know what changed, but I'm glad it did. I was worried about how she would react to this shit. She's such a genuinely kind person, I hate that she always goes through so much shit. She deserves better. Honestly, I don't think I've ever met a girl I've liked more than Clara. Except Eleanor, of course. Eleanor is virtually perfect. I just love her so much that I don't even know what to do with myself.
YOU ARE READING
How would you feel if your whole world was ripped from under you, leaving you free falling? Wouldn't you want someone to catch you? When Clara Higgens's mom dies from an unknown disease, Clara has no where to turn, except to her new and unexpected f...