Chapter Three

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//Author's Ramble//  HEY GUYS.  So.. it's a short chapter this time around, I apologize for that.  I've been in and out of the hospital the last few weeks, and between chemo and dialysis, I'm usually too tired to write. I really do apologize and I hope that this stops your withdrawal symptoms (SUNNY) lol.. i love you guys... bye//

"He's okay.  Stable and he should be waking up soon even.... No, I don't know why he did it.... I didn't even realize!  Of course not Leah.  The doctor says we can go home when he wakes up, and he gave me some papers, therapist numbers, stuff to watch out for and what to do in case of complications.  I'll be taking good care of him, and if you dont believe me, feel free to join me."

Candy was here.. wherever 'here' was.  I opened my eyes slightly, looking around before closing them again.  I was too tired to so much as open my eyes.  A hospital room.  There were machines, I could hear beeping.  Odd suction cups where attached to my chest.  Why were they there?  I could feel something odd lightly squeezing my index finger on my right hand.  What was going on? 

I remember.. I cleaned up all the glass at our house.  Did I lose too much blood and pass out?  Well no, there couldn't have been that many cuts or gashes.  Besides, I cleaned and bandaged them, there weren't enough to do that.  After that I laid on the couch to go to sleep.. but then I saw all the pictures of Candy and I and Jeremy.  Candy, Jeremy and my parents.  The happy family photograph.  I tried to kill myself.  I tried to make their lives "all better".  What the hell is wrong with me?

Obviously, it didn't work.  I heard Candy's voice right as I woke up earlier, so she's here with me.  I relaxed, knowing that someone was at this hellhole with me, and I wasn't alone.  I didn't want to be alone. 

"I'm so sorry Benny," I could hear my sister say, her voice muffled as she cried into something.  Her hands, possibly.  "I didn't know.  I didn't know.  I'm sorry."  I couldn't help but to wonder why she was sorry.  Why was she crying?  I'm not dead, so shouldn't she be happy or something? 

I opened my eyes again, squinting at the bright lights above me, before blinking rapidly and looking towards my sister's voice.  She was just wiping her own tears away, taking a deep breath before straightening her back.  Like a soldier.  She looked so strong when she did that.  But she had still been crying, before, and it was my fault.  I should apologize.  Saying sorry doesn't make it better.  Saying sorry doesn't fix anything. 

"I'm sorry."

Candy jumped, as if someone had just popped a firecracker near her ear before looking over at me.  "Benny!"  She rushed over, being careful of all the wires and hugged me tightly, nearly crushing a couple of ribs in the process.  "God, I was so worried when I found you, okay?  Dont ever ever ever ever ever do that again.  I would die if anything happened to you.  I'm sorry that i didn't know you wanted to hurt yourself, I'm sorry that I didn't realize it, I"m just really sorry."  She rambled on, for another five minutes, crying and hugging me.  I patted her back awkwardly, not exactly sure what was going on, or why she was apologizing when I was the one who'd done what I did. 

"I love you Benny, I love you more than anything and more than anyone, and I dont want anything to happen to you ever, so if you ever feel like, like, um.. doing what you did, then you can tell me and I'll do whatever it takes to make you feel better, okay?  I promise!" 

I was going to say something, but a doctor walking in stopped me short, and instead Candy left, leaving me to talk to a complete stranger by myself.  Doesn't she know how scared I get when I have to do that?  How hard it is for me to speak, how much I stutter and people laugh at me.  What if this doctor laughed at me?  I could feel myself beginning to hyperventilate.  Why did she leave me? 


He didn't laugh at me.  But I could see the pity in his eyes, which was worse even.  He gave me numbers, addresses, names of people, therapists, to help me get over my suicidal depression.  But I dont think it was suicidal depression.  That was the first time I'd ever attempted killing myself.  I mean, yeah, I thought about it an awful lot, but everyone thinks of it, right?  I didn't need a therapist.  I wasn't broken.. I didn't need to be fixed.  I didn't need help.  I am fine, I'm Benji, I'm always fine.

Candy had called her friend, who'd just gotten her driver's license last week, to come pick us up.  Her friend, Hannah, didn't like me much.  Well, she didn't like me at all.  I could never understand why all these people hated me, I never did anything to them.  Never hit them, pushed them, spit on them, never even gave anyone a dirty look, but nobody liked me except the few who I'd managed to make friends with. 

But I was lucky.  A lot of people looked as if they had hundreds of friends, but none of those 'friends' would help them out in a moment of need.  I had a few friends, but I knew that any of them would help me in a heartbeat. Sunny, Angel, Leah, Candy, Katty, Caitlin, Hodaya.. did they know what had happened?  Did they know what I did?  Would they hate me?  Be angry.. did they cry like Candy did? 

Why did I have to be such a fuck up and ruin everyone's lives? 

"Are you going to get in or what?" Hannah sneered, jerking me out of my thoughts.  I looked towards her, realizing I'd been standing at her car, with the door open for only god-knew-how-long. 

"S-sorry," I blinked, biting my lip before getting in the car, barely having time to shut the door before she sped off. 

Her music station was tuned to rap, lyrics about poppin' a cap in someone's ass or living in the ghetto blaring through the loud bass speakers.  It hurt my ears, it made my insides vibrate uncomfortably and I practically flew out of the car once it'd pulled up at our house.

"Bye Hannah, Thanks for the ride!" Candy waves, smiling softly as her friend sped out of the drive way before turning to look at me warily, as if at any moment, I'd pull out another bottle of pills and down them. 

"Mom and Dad haven't been home for a couple of days, so you dont have to worry about them right now..." I nodded, heading inside without a word, her following behind me slowly.  "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," I mumbled, nearly tripping over the carpet in our living room as I walked through the door.  "I'm going to go to bed.  I love you, Candy." 

"I love you too Benny."