#23- a jeffmads interlude

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I haven't updated this book in so long guys I'm so sorry please stick around!!!!

They drove back in silence. Thomas tried to talk to James, explain how obviously shallow and close minded he was being, but every time he opened his mouth, James cut him off. 

"Thomas Jefferson, if you say another word before we get back to our apartment, you will not have an apartment to come back to."

So they rode the train in silence.

When they got back to their apartment, Thomas stood by the door, apprehensive, waiting for James to speak.

"You're selfish." James said quietly.

"What?" asked Thomas, surprised.

"You heard me." James said.

"But..." Thomas seemed to be at a loss for words. "But, you knew I was selfish. It's like... just a facet of my personality. I know what I want, and I take it."

"That's exactly it!" James shouted. "You just take and take! You take everything you want, and just damn the consequences!"

"You never had a problem with it before." Thomas huffed.

"Yes I did." James sighed, crossing his arms. "I just never said anything because I was so scared of losing you."

"So why are you saying something now?" asked Thomas.

"It's not like I really have you anymore. I don't think I ever did. I've got nothing left to lose."

Thomas started to speak "Oh, come on, baby-" reaching for James's arm.

"Don't!" James exclaimed. "Don't do that. Don't pretend nothing is wrong, don't do that thing you always do when you spin your words and make me feel like everything is all my fault.  Because it isn't. It's yours. Just, don't. Please." James's voice broke.

James looked up at Thomas, and Thomas looked pain, and maybe like he almost was guilty. 

"Is this what you want now?" James asked. "Do you want him? Or any other guy? Do you want to keep sleeping around, staying out late all the time? Because if it is, I don't want any part of it."

"No." Thomas said. "No, no, no, James baby that's not what I want."

"Then why do you act like this? Then why were you acting like that at dinner? Don't you see me, Thomas? Can't you see what that does to me?" James said, harshly wiping the back of his hand across his eye, getting rid of the tears before they fell.

"I'm not a good person." Thomas said plainly. "That's the short answer. I'm not a good person. I never have been. I'm selfish and abrasive and rude and inconsiderate. I've always been awful. Is that because of parenting, or environment or something else? I don't know. I self sabotage. I sabotage myself." his voice broke. "I've always done it. I'm so scared of things getting bad that every time something gets good, I ruin it. I'm so scared, Jamie. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm petrified. But I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you. Please."

James nodded. "Okay."

Thomas looked up. "Okay?"

James took a deep breath. "Okay. We can try again. But. But you have to promise me. You've hurt me so much, Thomas. You can't do it again."

"I promise you."

This is what you guys wanted, here it is.

I'm so sorry I haven't updated this book in ages, pls stick with it! also this book is really decreasing in reads as the chapters go on, so stick around? or recommend this book to your friends if you want??

anyways maybe you noticed I changed my username. Don't get me wrong, I still love Hamilton and I'm still going to write this book, but I've also been feeling a lot of other fandoms recently and I might be starting some other books soon, I'm not sure.

this note was long as hell, thanks if you read the whole thing!


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