C H A P T E R T W E N T Y - N I N E
T H I N K
I couldn't close my eyes no matter how I wanted them to. This bullshit thing inside of me makes me guilty to snapping hurtful and accusation words around her.
I should've let her explained. I couldn't control the anger raging inside me.
I was insecure and I felt like a bastard for not trusting her.
could hear her muffled whimpers from outside my door. My heart clenches by the thought of hurting her. My hand almost trying to reach for the doorknob that was beyond my reach.
I wanted to apologize. It was shallow, stupid, fucking STUPID! . .but I was afraid, hurt as well by the scene I saw.
What if the thing I feared was becoming true?
I slowly made my way towards the door, leaning my frame on the door as I took a seat and heared her cries clearer. It was sadistic of me but I wanted to hear her cry until she stops, I'd come out and apologize.
"You said you'd never hurt me", she sobbed harder. "--but you're hurting me twice".
I slapped my hand when it motioned to open the door. I was ashamed of my actions but I took a deep breath and after a deep consideration I opened the door with force.
To my suprise she was gone.
She was gone from my door but it's not what bothered me, she's gone--she gave up on me.
I didn't know whether to laugh since we just became one yesterday and I fucked it up or cry like a bitch since I feel like I lost her for real.
Vincent was right.
Marco wasn't for me, maybe for a day but that was it.
Shouldn't I be atleast grateful? Life gave me a sudden to be his for just a day, to hear him say sweet things and made me feel like I was his.
I glanced at his window. It's like back when the only thing close to us was the window.
I thought he'd chase me, he'd apologize and give me time to explain but it was far from happening.
I wasn't giving up on him. I knew that he didn't meant it. I could tell.
But I was tired of letting him get away with hurting me. That his apologies could make me soften and felt like my tears were all for vain.
I didn't want him to take the easy way. I wanted him to earn that apology, I wanted to know if he really love me.
If I accepted him like nothing happened, then he'll hurt me again without even doing it on purpose. He'll never realize how important someone is.
Like I said, love with a cold hearted person would never be easy.
It would never be easy.
"Reality is waiting", I mumbled to myself as I hum a dreary tone.
Why was my heart bleeding when I knew he wouldn't bother to fix the issue?
Maybe all the things he said weren't true, just words but never actions, never felt.
"Star", the devil came, his voice distant just like yesterday but I couldn't bother.
My dull eyes didn't bother to look up at him knowing that I'd soften and let him hurt me again. "Marco", I copied him.
"I'm sorry", I laughed by his words, he said it so effortlessly, so smooth like it was well-practiced and I swear I could feel emotions through it but the damage was done.
"Do you think your sorry can mend this?!", I raised my tone.
"I'm tired, tired of being hurt by you and letting you get away with it because I love you", I placed a palm on my chest. "--do you even love me or you don't know?!".
"I was scared!", he shouted back. "--I thought you were going to leave me that easy!".
I snickered. "I'm not a shallow person Marco!", I jabbed my fingers at his chest. "You're fucking hurting me at the same time because of your fucking fears!".
He grabbed ahold of my shoulders and pressed my body against his. "Why must you make everything complicated?", I could feel frustration in his tone.
I shove him away with all my strenght. "Don't touch me", I hissed.
"I don't care if we only lasted for a day but starting from now I'm not gonna let you get your way easily", I spat the words acidly but at the same time trying to hold my tears.
"Are you really going to give up on me?", a tear fell from his eyes and I looked away.
"Star", he grabbed my shoulders with plead. "--don't give me up because I'm fighting".
I tugged my shoulders away, tears defiantly trickling from eyes. "We hadn't begun yet it ended before it started".
And I walked away from him. From everything, from the chance of being happy in his arms, from fixing the mess myself.
I wasn't giving up on him.
But he had to realize that he had to fix things and make me feel that he is really fighting for me because I can't feel it.
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