From Me To You

nov. 27, 2014

It was Thanksgiving Day and my mom was passed out drunk by 11 in the morning.

    I guess I wasn't surprised or anything. This happened so often and maybe my expectations for her behavior on a national holiday were too big.

    I wasn't too thankful for that let down, but I was so thankful for you and your family for inviting Stella and I over for dinner that night.

    At about 5 in the evening Stella and I arrived at your doorstep. Your mom invited us in and took us to the dining room where all of the food was already set out and ready to be devoured.

Your mother called for you and your brothers and the next thing I heard was four loud pairs of feet stomping down the stairs. I stood up from my seat to greet you and your brothers. You wrapped your arms around my neck and buried my head into your chest. You kissed my cheek and left me blushing in front of the rest of your family.

    It wasn't the first time you kissed me or anything, but it was still a feeling that I could never get enough of. The tingle your perfectly shaped lips left on my cheek ignited my insides, making me feel warm, and almost whole, for the first time in awhile.

    Your littlest brother, Aaron, made a grossed out face and received a small smack on the back of his head from your father. Mason, your twin, took his turn rolling his eyes at us, even though I saw the smallest smile across his lips. Finally, Nathan, the quiet natured brother of yours, made a gagging noise, so as soon as you broke away from our embrace, you shoved him, which gained a disapproving glare from your mother.

    I found your brothers' actions funny. They liked me; at least I really hoped they did. Mason was the only one of your brothers that I truly wasn't sure about. Sometimes he seemed like he didn't mind my presence, but other times he gave me the impression that he literally couldn't stand my existence.

    Aaron liked when I came over so that he could have someone to listen to him ramble on about anything and everything for hours. He also loved when I brought Stella over. He was so grateful to have someone closer to his age to play with him, even if it was a "girl" (imagine him saying that in his disgusted voice!).

    You told me that Nathan also liked having me over. Whenever I talked to him he said that I brought the quiet to your house, which never really made sense to me. Four boys always made a lot of noise.

    Mason noticed my confused expression when he said that to me once. Mason rolled his eyes and butted into the conversation, saying, "Yeah, because mom doesn't want her to hear dad and her screaming at each other."

    I wasn't exactly sure what he meant by that. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions about your family. Your parents always seemed like a happy couple whenever I saw them.

    Mason's previous words haunted me during this lovely dinner that your mother had made. I studied the looks on your parent's faces, but no matter how much I tried, I couldn't catch any sour glances or bitter words exchanged between the two.

    Did they really have screaming matches like Mason had said?

    After dinner Stella and Aaron ran off to play, You, Mason, Nathan, and your father sat on the couches watching the football game. Your mother and I finished clearing the dinner table, so I went up to your room to get two seconds of quiet.

Instead of getting the quiet I hoped for, I was met with a mess of thoughts flooding my head like a tsunami. I closed your bedroom door and looked at myself in a little mirror that sat on top of your dresser.

I felt so loved when I was with you, but I felt nothing but disgust when I was alone. I hated who I was. My cheeks are chubby. My eyes are unsymmetrical. My skin was an unflattering tone of red if I didn't wear makeup. I simply did not like myself.

I hated myself for not saying "I love you" when you said it to me last week. You told me that I didn't have to say it back. You assured me that you didn't want me to feel forced to love you. But it wasn't enough.

I loved you, Evan, of course I loved you, but there was this part of me; the girl standing in front of that mirror. The girl who didn't know how to love because she couldn't even love herself.

That was the barrier between us. It was the elephant in the room whenever we spoke. I couldn't say that I loved you because I wasn't even sure what love is. And neither of us knew how to approach this weight on my shoulders.

Your door creaked open and your soft and loving face appeared, but I still felt that tinge of guilt. You came up behind me and locked eyes with me through the mirror.

"Have I ever told you that your the most beautiful girl in the world?" You smiled.

"I believe you've said it once or twice." I rolled my eyes at your cheesy comment.

"Don't give me that! Look at yourself. You're perfect." You continued that statement by picking out each of my flaws, the things about myself that I hate, and telling me something positive about each one.

You loved my cheeks when they had that rosy tint after you kissed me. You liked how my eyes were unsymmetrical because it gave me "character". You loved my body because in your opinion, it was the perfect size, although I've always thought of myself as fat, pointing out every stretch mark when I was alone.

You gave me so many reasons to love myself, and even though I wasn't completely sure how I felt about myself, I knew how I felt about you.

"I love you so damn much, Evan. I don't deserve you."