Chapter 2: My Understandings

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-Alesana's POV-

I sighed and I caught Oliver's eyes. We held each other's gaze for a few minutes then I turned away looking at Matt with realization coming into play.

Wait no, just because his name is Matt Nicholls, doesn't make him my brother...or does it? I don't wanna ask him if he is because he probably doesn't even remember me, so honestly I don't see the point in asking.

"Alesana?" I heard a voice say, snapping me back into reality. "Hm? Yeah?" I asked looking at who I think is Matt Kean. "We asked how old you were?" Matt Kean responded. "Oh, I'm uh 23." I replied. "Hey Matt, didn't you have a sister who's supposed to be 23? And her name is something that starts with an A?" Matt K asked Matt N. Holy shit that's confusing. "Yeah, Vegan, I do. Her name is Alesana Marie Nicholls, I haven't seen her since I was five. My parents and I have been looking for her so we could meet her for a couple years now." Matt said softly.

"Hey Alesana, what's your middle name and last name?" Lee asked. "Uh, my adopted fathers last name is Peters, but my real last name is Nicholls. And uh, my full name is Alesana Marie Nicholls..." I mumbled. "Have you ever looked at your adoption papers?" Jordan asked.

"Uh, I have them in my room....and I've looked at them a few times...why?"

"Do adoption papers tell much about your real parents?" Jordan asked. I wonder why Oli hasn't spoken yet. "Umm, it told me their real names and that I have a sibling who's five years older than me?" I responded.

"Is this sibling a male or female?" Matt asked sitting up from his spot, looking at me. "Male." I said. "Did your adoption papers happen to tell you who your real parents are?" Lee asked. "Uhhhh, I think they were named Jamie and Greg Nicholls...(I don't really know his parents' names, just sh sh sh sh sh and bare with me. It's a fiction story anyway)." I told them. "Mate, those are your parents' names." Vegan told Matt. "Yeah..yeah they are. Hey Alesana, can I take a picture with you real quick?" Matt asked. I shrugged and scooted closer to Matt and he took a picture then began typing a long message to someone.

We sat in silence for a few minutes while Matt was texting someone. "So...um...how are you guys?" I asked randomly, getting tired of the silence. "I'm doing pretty good, how about you?" Lee responded. "Uhhhh....I....I'm fine?" I said unsure with my voice getting 5 octaves higher. "Mhmm..Sykes, you haven't spoken much, why the hell are you so silent?" Lee asked. "Fuck off, mate." Oliver mumbled and went back to typing furiously on his phones. "Someone's dick is twisted...." I mumbled. Oli rolled his eyes, groaned, then got up and left to where I'm assuming is the bunk area. "Don't worry about him, Hannah and him have been having troubles lately." Vegan reassured me. I nodded and everything went silent again.

"Hey Alesana, I have some news." Matt said after a few more minutes of silence. "Spill." I told him.

"Okay, so, I was talking to my mum, and I sent the picture of us. She asked me who you were and I told her who, then she started to freak out and well, it turns out that you're the sister and daughter that my mum, dad, and I have been looking for." Matt said excitedly. I looked at Matt and a wave of both happiness and sadness washed over me, I was trying to respond with happiness, but the sadness took control and whipped out. "Why..." I mumbled. "Why what?" Matt asked confused. "Why....why was I just....left behind...." I said quietly. "What do you mean, 'left behind'?" Matt asked. "Can we talk about this in private?" I asked quietly and Matt nodded. "C'mon." He said, grabbing my hand and taking me to the upstairs portion of the bus. "You can sit on either couch." He said, and I sat down on the one on the left.

"So..what did you mean by 'left behind'?" Matt asked. "Your parents, well I guess our parents, just took me to an adoption center and I was there till I was 3 years of age...I didn't know what was happening or anything, all I remember is waking up in a different place with different surroundings and two new people...I don't remember much of my childhood, but I remember the death of the lady who adopted me and..." I paused, the memories lodged into my mind. "And..?" Matt asked. "The abuse, Matt. Just...all of the abuse and stupid self inflicted pain. All of the suicide attempts. All of the scars and bruises that make me hate myself more..." I said, tears brimming in my eyes.

"I...I'm sorry....I couldn't do anything....mum and dad told me you weren't planned and they couldn't take care of you...and they didn't...." Matt paused. "So I was an accident?" I asked, the tears threatening to spill. "I.." I cut Matt off. "I knew it, that's all I've ever been. Everyone including myself was right...." I said, my voice raising a bit. "Alesana, no one is an accident." Matt said. "I obviously am." I told him, tears spilling from my eyes. "No, Alesana you aren't. Please, look, let mum and dad explain when tour is over. I'll take you to their house." Matt said.

"There's nothing to explain.." I mumbled, bringing my knees to my chest and crying hard. "There are a lot of things to explain, and I'm sure you do too.." Matt said, standing up, then sitting beside me wrapping his arms around my and pulling me into his chest. "Matt, everything has gone wrong in my life..." I cried. "Well, everything is going to become right if you just believe me. I swear everything will get better." He told me as he held me in his arms.

"I don't understand why you wouldn't just let me jump. It's not the first time that I've tried to kill myself.' I said, tears flowing harder than a river. Matt sighed, "Because if I wasn't there to stop you, we wouldn't be able to make up 20 lost years, and....like I said, it's not who I am to let someone just...jump and end their lives. I'd do anything I could to save someone." Matt replied. "You didn't even know who I was." I said, my breathing starting to kick up. "No, no I didn't but I still wouldn't have let you jump no matter who you are." Matt said.

My vision was as blurry as ever. It was getting harder to breathe, and I felt like I was going to pass out. I've never cried so hard in my life. "I...I just wanna...die..." I mumbled before I started having a panic attack. "VEGAN! OLIVER! JORDAN SOMEONE COME UP TO THE LOUNGE!" I heard Matt yell. I heard 3 pairs of footsteps come up to the lounge. "What's going on? Why is Alesana freaking out?" Lee asked, worried. "She's having a panic attack, I don't know what to do." Matt said, hurriedly.

"Alesana..?" I heard a soothing voice ask. I haven't heard much of this voice. I didn't know who it was either because I was curled up in a ball, shaking harder than ever. "Alesana, try and take deep breaths." The voice said. "Look at me." The voice said. I lifted my head up to be met with Oliver's eyes. "Focus on my eyes and take deep breaths." I focused on Oliver's eyes and started taking deep, shaky breaths until I was calm.

My cheeks were stained with tears by the time I was calm and I was no longer shaking. "T-thanks Oliver..." I stuttered. Oliver offered me a warm smile then got out of his kneeling position. He bent down and hugged me then went back to his bunk. "That's the most affectionate he's been in months..." Jordan whispered.

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