I Guess We're Downgrading, Huh?

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I was paralyzed...f*cking rooted to the asphalt, keys glued to my sweaty hands, heart stilled. 

It was him...my boyfriend who I hadn't seen in nearly a month because he had to "get his sh*t together" and would see me soon. It was 11 a.m. and the heat from Houston's resilient sun beat down on everything like hands on a drum.

He walked quickly and clumsily, still very much so the 280 pounds he had promised to be less of the next time he saw me...Still very bald yet scruffy from not shaving, and homely looking in a very familiar grey shirt and beige shorts. He looked a mess, but it was him...it was my baby. 

"Evan!"

He had seen me before I called his name, and he had looked away, but now, I could vaguely see him wince.

Then I noticed that a girl was walking too close beside him and something didn't sit well with me. It looked like he was steering the both of them as far away from me as he could. They meandered around and kept walking through the campus courtyard as if on a mission to avoid me. 

"Evan!" the more I called out, the more I realized that I knew why I hadn't seen him in a month. 

He hadn't been getting his sh*t together.

 He had found another woman.

She was a knockoff version of me...more feminine, maybe, in her dress, but she had the same dark skin and natural hair...yet she was plumper to match his weight and slightly shorter.

She barely looked at me as she walked around him and I walked towards him, but I watched her from my peripheral.

He stood in front of me with  documents up, the sunlight shining brightly against his bronze and very sweaty skin,"You didn't call me."

He looked so uncomfortable.

"You know I lost my phone and work has been busy."

I looked over to where the girl had walked to her car, "Yeah, who is she?"

He rubbed his sweaty face and looked around crazily, "uh."

"The girl. Who is she?"

"My girlfriend."

Sh*t. My heart dropped, "What?"

His eyes got wide, and he hastily said, "Oh, I wasn't dating her while we were together."

I gaped and looked around, confused. What the f*ck. Was I in the Twilight zone? Where had he came up with this sh*t? Do guys mentally break up and forget to tell the girl? What kinda I Forgot To Grow My Balls Today type of sh*t is that? 

"When did we break up? How did y'all get together?"

His mouth formed an o, and he spoke, "It's complicated."

She was from work. She had to be...was she the girl he had said, "wanted him" at his interview over a month ago? Shit...I had lost my boyfriend to a girl who was willing to suck him off and bust it wide open. She probably threw herself at him...I had seen a girl do that recently, but she hadn't been his type, so he threw her off.

Damn! 

I rubbed my forehead, but I couldn't still the rage building in my chest. I tried to figure out what I had done wrong, but I knew...I knew that it wasn't me...that it was all him...that he had probably wanted to have sex (despite saying he could wait) and when she had thrown it at him and he took it because I wouldn't give it and preceded to erase me out of his mind and insert her because she probably gave amazing bl*w jobs. 

I need to leave freaky guys alone. Like, it makes no sense to date a freaky guy because he's going to break up with me...or cheat on me, break up with me, and leave me.

I could have screamed: WHAT THE F*CK!

"How the F*CK is it complicated?"

"Look, I'll explain, I promise!"

I looked at him like B*tch, how can you explain some sh*t like that? Do you mean your d*ck accidentally slipped into her vagina, and you suddenly forgot to break up with me? B*tch...get the f*ck.

I was crushed. I was devestated. My chest felt like it was caving in, and I couldn't breathe, but I didn't cry.

I had invested so much time in him and we had clicked...I knew we had clicked, but that one thing...that one thing...me not giving him something he felt was vital had sent him off to the next chick.

I rubbed my chest, "You said you had never cheated in any of your relationships. You said you don't cheat!" 

I was frantic and grappling for something to make sense of what had happened. He had told me this over and over again. He told me that he wouldn't disappear...that he wasn't a coward.

So if he wasn't a coward, then how had he eased his way into a relationship without ending the first one?

"I didn't cheat. I didn't."

I pointed to the car I suspected she had slipped into. Did she know about me? Had she been there before me? Was she the side chick or was I the side chick, or were both legitimately his girlfriend? Had he ever intended on breaking up with me, or had I caught him when I wasn't supposed to? Was he planning on keeping us both? Was this what he meant by dating? last time I checked when you ask a girl to become your girlfriend it means that the both of you are F*CKING EXCLUSIVE. LYING SUMMA B*TCH.

"Yes, you did!"

He rubbed his face, closed his eyes and opened them again. He was breathing heavy, and it was too hot for him to be out with all 280 pounds on him, "You're right. I f*cked up"

"Why didn't you just break up with me?!"

He flung his arm out, frustrated, "How do you tell someone something like that?"

"You. Just. Do. You find a way! You f*cking wasted my time!"

He was nerved up, anxious, and swimming in pig fat. There I was...skinny...I'd dropped ten pounds worrying about him while he had probably gotten fatter from eating home cooked meals with his new girlfriend after she sucked him off like I wouldn't.

The f*cking life of a virgin who wants to date. What happens? Guys either ghost, break up with her prematurely, or all the above plus cheat and move on to the next woman.

"I know. Sh*t, I know! Look, I'll explain it, but I have to take care of something!" He walked away, and for the first time, his extra weight wasn't cute...he was no longer adorable...he was a waddling case of fat...cowardly fat walking away from being an adult for once in his life.

He wasn't who I thought he was. He wasn't a confident guy. He was an arrogant cheater who didn't give a sh*t about hurting me. This was the guy who had told me he would never do me the way other people had done me, yet he had done so much worse.

I was astonished...he had no balls. I'd fallen in love with a coward who had masqueraded as this confident and faithful black man.

The curtain had fallen because he couldn't keep the charade up for very long, and when that curtain fell, I saw him as he was: broken.

But he wasn't the broken that I had wanted to fix before. He was the broken I wished I had never met. All of those lies...all of those days bombing me with love and affection...

He was a cheater and a deceiver.

My boyfriend had cheated on me and left me for the other woman.

Knowing that didn't keep my chest from hurting as I watched him get into her car. Summa b*tch had lucked up and found a girl who would give it up and drive him around. She probably even had a place that he could go to to escape his mama's house.

Life sucked.  


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