03| Sorry

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My phone didn't ever stop ringing. I ignored it for as long as possible but you can't leave your problems unsolved forever. I stopped responding to everyone, I didn't feel like being around anyone or much less talk to anyone for that matter.

I had hoped to drown out my sorrows in the loudness of this city but it didn't seem to help any. I could still feel the slow heart beat drumming against my rib cage. I still carried around some sort of empty void that I couldn't seem to fill by hoping and wishing alone.

"You don't sound good at all," my mother tells me from the other line as I drive through the busy streets of L.A. back to Calabasas. Back to where home was.

"Because I'm not," I state not having enough energy to fake what I was feeling. I didn't have the strength to put on a mask, I couldn't "fake it until I made it". That saying was bullshit anyway, what kind of life is that?

"I'm worried, you haven't been in the office in three days. Alexis told me you asked her to clear your schedule for the next couple days, what's going on?" My mum questions in a soft tone. It was true, I had called my assistant and told her to clear my schedule for the next few days or so until I could get back on my feet. I couldn't bring myself to concentrate on anything but Layla and the torture she had put my heart through.

"Layla... she Ummm.... I caught her again," I stumble gripping the steering wheel tighter feeling my throat dry up and constrict.

"Oh Harry," A blanket of silence settles over the phone line for a few seconds before I hear a little sigh part from my mother. "Baby, I'm coming to you! Where are you?"

"No don't worry about it, I'm headed home. Layla wants to talk things over and see Ky, so I'm headed back to Calabasas," I tell my mum turning off the freeway to where the welcome sign sits. I gulp down the lumps forming in my throat when I draw nearer to Layla.

"No! You can't give into her Harry. I can't watch you do this again, making the same mistake again!" My mum disapproving of my decision to go back to Layla. "You have given her too many damn chances Harry and I won't sit back and watch her stomp all over you anymore!"

"I love her mum, and that's what hurts the most," I clench my jaw at the sadness that clouds my eyes. I didn't want to cry anymore, I was tired of crying.

"Harry," she sighs sadly hearing the pain in my voice that was struggling to keep steady. "I hate seeing and hearing you like this. It breaks my heart knowing that she is making you feel this way,"

"I know I should leave but it's like she has me chained to her, I can't let go," I explain thinking about the girl I didn't want to leave. I was a walking contradiction. The logical side of me told me to get out, leave the relationship because it's going nowhere real quick. Yet, the other side yearned for being with her, I loved her and it was hard to distance myself from such an intense emotion. How could you unlove someone?

"I know it's going to be hard but, listen to me Harry, aren't you tired of hurting? I know Kyla is a concern to you and you don't want her to grow up in a broken home but baby, you have to think about yourself. I'm sure Ky doesn't want to grow up in a home where her dad is in pain all the time. You deserve more than that," the lump in my throat multiplies when I hear my mum out. It's almost as if she had read my mind on my train of thought.

"I'm so exhausted, I don't want to have to deal with this anymore," I said through a cracked voice that is stumbling around to keep from faltering.

"I know baby but you have to do something about it. I know it's going to hurt to let her go but that's going to temporary compared to the constant hurting you are feeling right now,"

The gentleness of my mother voices touches me and brings me to the reality of my situation. She was right I needed to do something about my exhaustion and everlasting heart break.

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