The Bad Boys Saw Me Naked. Again

(12)

Im sorry guys, I can't update as quickly as you need. I'm trying. I will get there eventually.

Somethings need to come before the things you love to do.

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"Did you even sleep last night?" Jesse says incredulously, watching my tired ass come down the stairs. 

"Shush." I say quickly, pouring myself a cup of coffee. "The kids will be downstairs soon."

"I don't know why you insist on hiding your weaknesses from people." He sighs, flipping pancakes. "You're allowed to struggle a little."

"I'm fine." I insist, attempting to rub away the bags under my eyes.

For the past two weeks, I've been playing Mom, and honestly, the kids love it. Cole has been able to get back to school, and the house isn't a mess. Me and Jesse have it covered.

I just can't sleep without Alex.

Jesse caught me a few nights ago, downstairs watching re runs of Americas Next Top Model at three in the morning. If that doesn't scream unstable I don't know what does.

But it's worth it seeing this family so happy. They don't need to know about my Alex withdrawals, I can handle it.

"Have you spoken to him?" Jesse asks quietly. 

"No." I shrug. "Doubt he would answer me to be honest. But I know he's ok, I heard Asher talking to him over Xbox live."

"Sitting around, playing stupid games, while you're here-" He grumbles, but I stop him.

"Don't." I say gently. "Just let Alex figure it out." He has to. He holds his hands up in defeat, and we stop talking about it, when the kids make their way downstairs.

"Good morning." Will yawns, hugging my legs. Bless him, I don't think he's going to be very tall. Someone had to be the runt of this family.

"What's wrong?" I frown, feeling his forehead, mentally cursing as it burns.

"I don't know." He says groggily.

"Harper..." Jesse says carefully. "I think he might-" He's cut off once again, as Will projectile all over my shirt.

Yay.

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"How you doing bud?" I ask, popping my head into Will's room for the hundredth time today.

"I'm still sad." He frowns.

"Well, it's great that you love to go to school." I smile. "But your sick."

"I'm not sad about missing school." He snorts. "I've been making ground work with Emma Brown all year and now today Tony Wilson is gonna move in on my girl."

I roll my eyes, just like his brothers.

"Go to sleep." I insist. "When you wake up everyone will be home." 

I walk back down the stairs, enjoying the silence. 

I look at the T.V remote, wondering if I'm pathetic enough to watch ANTM during daytime. No. That's a guilty pleasure that should only be let loose after midnight. 

"Hey." Jesse says, letting himself in through the front door. "How's Will?"

"He'll be fine." I shrug. Jesse went out to do all my errands, after the school drop off run, so that I could stay with Will.

"Well, the grocery store didn't have almond milk, whatever the fuck that is." Jesse sighs, annoyed. "Hayden is gonna have to suck it up, and be a man. Cow's milk never killed anyone."

"I'll let him know." I smile wearily.

"You still haven't slept?" He frowns in disbelief. I stay quiet, not wanting this argument. 

"Go sleep right now!" He says sternly. "I can stay here for a few hours."

"Will needs medicine in an hour, and-"

"I've got this." He cuts me off. "Go."

I trudge up the stairs, collapsing onto the bed. There's no way it's going to happen. Sleeping in this bed, surrounded by his stuff, in this room, I'll never get there. I'm just going to live off the three hours of sleep I get on the couch after binge watching early morning reality T.V shows.

I roll off the bed, mindlessly lying on the carpet. A box catches my eye, under the bed. I smile slightly, the Harper Box. 

Alex doesn't know I know, but I've known about his 'Harper Box' for ages. He started it when we met. If I didn't love him so much, I would say it was creepy. I try not to invade his privacy, but now and then I would have a peak. I haven't had a look since before we left for college.

I didn't even know he brought it back with us.

I pull it out, taking off the lid. It's full. 

Photos of us, making funny faces. Us in the lake. Us fixing my car. Me and Will. Me and Mum. Me and Cole, me and Hayden, the twins, everyone. 

Us at graduation. Me making my valedictorian speech. I never knew he took that. 

The for sale sign in front of my house. Then the sold sign. Me knocking down that mailbox down with a bat.

Us leaving for college, in his iconic, blue pick up truck. Cole took that one. 

Us kissing, in our new apartment. Us at parties, me studying, me sleeping, me dancing alone, so many photos  didn't even know about.

I move the photos aside, not even bothering to wipe the tears away.

I pull out a ticket stub, to the first concert we went to together. Another for our first movie, our first couples massage. That was a fun time. 

The cigarette stub from the first and last time I smoked, to prove to Alex I could be a rebel.

Then the sticky notes.

I would leave Alex love notes, all over the place. On the fridge, on the bed, in his car, on his beer.

*You looked so sexy last night* *Of all the tools in the toolbox I chose you* *I'm not wearing any underwear* *Come home soon, I miss you* *Roses are beautiful, just like you*

*I love you Alex*

"I still do." I whisper, just wanting to hear it back.

The drawings. He would sketch me for hours. Me in the shower, me reading, me driving. 

When we made love in the water.

I just want to feel his touch. I want to feel his hands on me, I want his lips on me. I want to make love to him again, deep in that lake water, when the only thing on our minds was how much we needed each other, right there in the moment.

Eternal love. Something I have only ever experienced with Alex.

I know time is what we need. And I will wait it out for him. 

But time kills.

There is so much more in this Harper Box, but I leave it. Clutching that sketch, I crawl into bed, wrapping myself in another jumper of his.

If I can't hold Alex, this is the next best thing.