Overcoming myself

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I could say I don't know where to begin, but that would be a lie. I was born in Mesa, Arizona in December of 1990. It was snowing the day I came into the world, rare as far as Arizona is concerned. My life felt typical from that point. I had 3 siblings, 2 older, 1 younger, but over all, a normal life.

I was the quiet one in class, but friendly to any and all who needed a smile. When I look back now I realized I was so busy making other's happy around me, that I never paid attention to my own wellbeing. I was also the chubby girl and continued to grow wider as I grew taller and went into middle school. I hated myself and constantly had to fight against my own thoughts of how ugly and big I was. I began to retreat so far into myself that I couldn't take any compliments, and every group of laughing kids were somehow laughing at me. Every whisper was about me in my mind, about how fat I was, about how ugly and worthless I was.

My family had no clue, I was a master at hiding my depression. Being labeled as the good girl because I never made trouble in school, never cussed, and always went to church made hiding my dark thoughts so much easier. Thoughts so dark, it was like a black hole that was constantly sucking at my soul, threatening to destroy everything in me.

I remember I had a particular bad day at my middle school. I felt tired. So tired and heavy in more ways than physical. I didn't talk to my family, I went into my room and placed my back against the door so no one could just barge in while I cried. I kept hearing 'just end it all, it will be so much better if I could just stop feeling like this'. I looked up and saw a very sharp pair of scissors on my sister's bed. I didn't think, didn't blink, just got up and grabbed them.

I held them in my hand as those voices whispered to just do it already. I was going to, I still remember feeling the moment I gave in. I was ready and not thinking about my family just outside the door. Just when I placed the blade of the scissors against my wrist I heard an even louder voice ring through my head. 'No, you are mine.' In that brief moment, I knew it was God.

This story isn't to convert anyone, it's to let anyone out there know that as cliched as it sounds, it does get better. I now have 2 books published and have a job I like with friends I love. I still have days where I don't like myself but I've learned to tune out and remember even if it doesn't always feel like it, life is worth living.

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