drowning | l.h

description

I was only young when I met him.
Probably around 14. It was
awkward at first, and there was
little effort made in conversation as
we didn't find each other all too
interesting. We only spoke during
the Monday and Wednesday
English lessons because I was
good at analysis.

We actually first spoke because he
wanted advice on how to ask out
one of my friends (although I tend
to conveniently miss that part out
when people ask) and he wanted to
know if I was going out with Chris,
a boy in my year. The assumption
was understandable, as we were
very close friends, but I would
never even think of him as a love
interest.

We then spoke more and became
slightly more interested. He liked
80s Rock and punk rock and I liked Indie; he played electric guitar and I played acoustic; he hated the slutty girls in his year and I hated to
inconsiderate boys in mine, we
soon came to understand that our
personalities complimented each
other well.

Until we argued. Our first argument
made me cry, and I was shocked
because a boy had never made me
cry before. I'm not sure whether it
was because I was infuriated or the
4 hours sleep I had got the
previous night, but as soon as the
first offensive remark to him had
come out, it was very difficult to
stop. I remember watching as the
anger he felt towards me rolled off
of him in tidal waves and I found it
strange.

I had only been in one previous
relationship, and the guy that I was
with was very laid back. Every time
I disagreed with him he would just
shrug and say 'yeah fine'. I enjoyed
getting my own way, but it didn't
satisfy my argumentative needs.
However, this attitude was making
me feel a different kind of way. I
couldn't work out how the fact that
he wasn't afraid to offend me was
making me feel. Was it attraction? I
couldn't possible be, could it? I
pushed that thought aside and told
myself I loathed him. But there was
something about seeing him that
way, furrowed brows, fist clenched
and pacing up and down while he
tugged on the roots of his hair that
gave me a pang of butterflies in the
pit of my stomach. We eventually
resolved our issues with apologies
and ended up talking out our issues
like adults (although we weren't).

We both did have many issues. He
had ADHD which was rapidly
improving but he still had excessive
mood swings. He also had many
trust issues from previous
relationships and was still quite
immature in the head, despite
being a full year older than me. I
had sleep issues which would
constantly make me boring and
moody and I was (and still am)extremely argumentative and
wouldn't let him get away with
anything without a decent
argument. I compared us to Noah
and Ally many times, but he would
shrug it off since he has never
actually seen The Notebook.

The closer we came and although
are mindset worked so beautifully
horrible together, I became more
and more conscious of how
different we were physically. He
was around 6ft 3 with long and
skinny arms and legs and good
posture. His neck was long along
with his face and his Adam's apple
bobbed noticeably when he spoke
or breathed. His chin was narrow
with a wide set jaw and when the
light hit his face, you could see
exactly all the bones that made up
his face. His hair was almost white,
with licks of caramel running
through, which set off his wide blue
eyes prominently. He was
incredibly well spoken, not born in
the north of course, and had a loud
contagious laugh that vibrated and
often made me jump.

I, on the other hand, was the exact
opposite. I was small and podgy. I weighed a lot more than I should've
done and had fat in all the horrible
places. My figure was blob like as I
had skinny shins and huge thighs
and a small waist but a massive
stomach. My shoulders were broad
and slouched and my bones were
not visible on any part of my body.
My boobs were average and my
bum was almost non existent. My
skin was (and still is) yellow, which
looks dull with my thick wavy
brunette head and round brown
eyes that disappear when I laugh.
My nose and my eyes didn't sit
right on my face and my cheeks
were bright red all the way from my
eyes to my jaw. I had a deep,
northern accent which got thicker as I got older.

I quickly became insecure about
my looks compared to his and the
constant reminder of him telling me
I'm beautiful helped for about 10
minutes until my mindset changed
into my usual, dull self. He held
himself so confidently, shoulders
back, head up, hands shoved into
pockets with a spring in his step
and a smile on his face. My body
was hunched, making myself
appear a lot broader and fatter
than I actually was, and my face
was constantly set in a frown. He
was the type of boy that your Nan
would love and say 'what a sweet
young man!' Whereas for me, she
would fake a smile and say 'She's...
Interesting.'

I failed to understand what this
innocent, Australian boy, who's eyes come alive at the sound of a Bowie
song and who manages to cause
everyone else in the room to smile,
could see in a typical British girl
with a below average body and shit
conversation.

I was yet to find out that this boy
was about to turn my life upside
down, for all the wrong reasons.